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february 2006

Impossibles5:21am saturday, 25th february
The laws of dreaming make me desire impossible things.
Sometimes it is as if I can touch the outer infinity,
become nothing, and then bring my own self into being.

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To Think12:49am tuesday, 21st february
Did it happen like that? Was I truly so wild? That I could fail like I did, that is nothing out of the ordinary, I think — that much, I can comprehend. But that I reached so high (or so low, depending on your perspective), imagining myself as like Prometheus, probably more resembling Lucifer… how could I have imagined myself as having eaten of the Tree of Life, and been as one with the immortals? I don’t know what I would have said to myself, before all of this started, what kind of warning I would have given to such a rebel that I made myself out to be. I can’t imagine that I would have listened to anything. Maybe just to give myself a hint: “Life is going to suck for you, for years, because you wouldn’t listen to anything but yourself. But once the world has beaten the spit out of you, things will get better.” And the young me, I would think how sad this current me is, to believe I knew how things were going to turn out. Some people just have to learn the hard way.
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Once Here12:53am friday, 17th february
I once picked flowers
from the dawn of the world,
and gave them all to someone
who broke my heart.
So it goes. All the best things
are destined, it seems,
for the undeserving.

I once heard a mermaid sing,
or I could have sworn…
once by the seaside,
in the twilight hour, the time
they made a whole show about,
being of the time
of improbable things.
No one will believe you
if even you don’t quite believe you.

I once touched the dust
from an angel’s robe,
who had been standing
in one place for a thousand years,
because he was thinking
of something, or something.
I guess you wouldn’t believe
what some people will do.

And maybe it was a dream,
all just a dream, where
I knew what was going on,
could remember
exactly who I was, and why;
but I have scraps of a life
that I collected along the way
and they tell me
what all those maps said,
at all the rest stops along the way:
you were here.

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The Garden1:15am monday, 13th february
Once when I was in the Black Iron Prison, I looked into the poster I had of the Garden of Delights, by Hieronymous Bosch, into the third panel, entitled, “Hell”; I looked into the face of the Tree Man, who looks back at you from the center of that panel:

...and it clicked, or more acurately, slid into place, that This was where I was. And I would think later, that I actually had been in one of the rooms in the building in the far back of that image....

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Night Falls 61:39am thursday, 9th february
Night falls, and all the smaller lights suddenly become important.

Night falls, and things do not fade — quite the opposite, some things become much clearer.

Night falls, and it is as if the air were filled with the most ephemeral ink, ready to write.

Night falls, and life steps back for a moment, wonders at the stars.

Night falls, and it is as if I desire less than in day, as if I know better what I have.

Night falls, and I never want to fall asleep, though in the morning, I never want to wake.

Night falls, and I find I desire to be saved, looking for light only when it is in short supply.

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More Personals5:25am sunday, 5th february
So many dates. So many bad dates. Horrible dates. The elders still are rarein to have me get married, and setting me up with anything that has a pulse. I went to Taegu on a Sunday couple weeks ago for the sole purpose of going on three dates in the one day that I was going to be there. And actually, the second one I was actually quite attracted to. She was the first after (seriously) like fifty other ones that I’d met. So great, the next day I try and set up the next date, but it’s Lunar New Year’s the following weekend, so she can’t. Then on Wednesday I get a phone call from my aunt in Taegu (who set all those dates up), and I’m supposed to go down the weekend after to meet her and her mother. So fine, I’m supposed to wait for another call to set up exactly when and where. Then, the Wednesday the week after, the mother cancels, saying she didn’t like that I didn’t speak Korean very well and worked from home (I telecommute to a company in Berkeley). Criminy. I just can’t win. Now I’m thinking, another fifty bad dates I’ll have to go on, to find the gem among the coals.
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Landings3:54am wednesday, 1st february
Dreams, as if to say that they existed, too, in their space:
if they will move us, is it not then that that makes them real enough?
Or in a small sense, we become the landing gears of Heaven….

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