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february 2010

Contention12:01am saturday, 27th february
I had a little trial about a month ago, and this time I took notes as it was happening:

contending with my demon [1/28/10]:
so is it that the Lord can be kept out, and my faith in Him was false (but He can’t be kept out — He is everywhere.)
or is it that He can't be kept out, so therefore I can count on Him?
if I believe I can count on Him. (by faith we are saved.)
me: so if they send Satan and I beat him, then that's pretty much it, right?
demon: so you think you can beat Satan?
me: no, but the Lord can.
so He can’t be kept out, but my faith in Him was false?
twisting the words means that you cannot logically reconcile it.
if I can’t count on Him, then you are not logically consistent saying “both are true”.
if I can count on Him, then my faith was true, and the first one is false.
therefore, you were lying when you said you were logically consistent.

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free4:19am tuesday, 23rd february
i am free
sometimes thinking inside the box can push the box bigger
i decide to be responsible and no one tells me to
trusting in a higher wisdom because i have seen a thing or two
for miracles you must admit do happen, however why
i have never lost hope, and such a fool i’ll stay
(walk around bitter, when there is such heart in the world?)
if i have to fight for every erg of energy to do right
to choose to be a force of life is worth all life
and the meaning of life to be found in the search for it
i am free

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Hope 4:06am friday, 19th february
I find I still have hope, and more remarkable, that I never lost it. Things like the President, how people are disappointed with how he’s done in his first year — I think things are turning around for him now, and he was never more than just a man. His plans for health insurance at times seemed dead, then reborn, and I still think something will get done there. More personally, I got an inadvertent email from the ex-girlfriend. Apparently she mistakenly input her email information somewhere and they sent spam to everyone in her contact list. Which means I’m still on her contact list. And I thought for a moment, what if it had been a real email from her? And I considered how all of it could turn on a dime, this life. I have no doubt been tempted to despair, but something in me won’t give up. I think this is how to win at the game of life: to decide never to be defeated.
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dragonflies1:08am monday, 15th february
i have eight dragonflies
one for each day of the week, and one i set free
i imagined i slipped out of time
observed from the outside of it all
the physics of knowing betrayed me to what i was
caught in the flow of change
dreaming of great things that might come true
in fearful beauty unfolds the future
rhyming if you can catch the notes
that low buzzing sound caught in the periphery
the dragonfly come back home

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the small5:59am thursday, 11th february
the experience is not always a rush, what is light
the darkness, too, is often merely a dimming after dimming
to fall from grace, tiniest slips; salvation, to inch upward

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center1:30am sunday, 7th february
i have gone nowhere for a very long time
then been sent whirling at the sound of a voice
but alone is where most of the day is spent
staring at the syntheses of electronic dots
the motions that are merely tricks of the eye
i have not needed to smile to be happy here
for i have a center, from which i can reach out
many go to and fro without finding themselves
not to realize it is a simple thing we are asked
just this: there is a light. try and walk in it.

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Go1:10am wednesday, 3rd february
If I let my mind go, it wanders first into known territories. Like the things I have been thinking for the last eight years or so, what could be called my life’s work. But if I release my thinking from work work work, it goes at then to think of love, love perhaps lost, love perhaps to be found, and to family, and friends; these are the ordinary spheres of being. Even if I let go of these, they do not let go of me. If I propel my imagination on, it begins to enter strange skies. For my life has at points been full of angels and demons, of ghosts and pain, and of light and salvation. It has known God in many a form, and Jesus Christ who is Truth, and been blessed by unseen forces, some of whose shadows I may have peered. Who is to know where life will go? Even if I only stay evermore in ordinary airs, love can make of anything priceless. And love, there ever shall be.
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