± H13.com - Archives - January 2005
january 2005

Something12:09pm thursday, 27th january
I have become something.
No, I have not solved
the riddle of it all,
though mayhap that be not
from lack of trying —
but I am not nothing,
not anymore. I remember
when I was even less
than that which is nil,
a vacuum of a being, taking
without giving any back:
and how I still was loved,
even though did I deny it,
love all around me,
and love from out of nowhere.
Someone had faith in me —
no, make that more than one;
and I never thought
it would of happenstance
I would wake from the
nightmare of myself, but
I am standing on my own
two feet, at the threshold
of my own humanity:
and yes, and that is it:
I have become something,
and think it not so simple,
this to be: a human being.

» comment on this entryread comments, (1) so far.

Tree of Life10:20am saturday, 22nd january
Sometimes — usually by accident — I tap into one of the great veins of the collective know. It pours straight through me, as if I were not even there, as if the words need only a conduit, any will do, and all I may do is try and keep up with the verbiage. And when I am there, it is as though I am privy to the vernacular of galaxies, of the poetic meter of angels. They say that some of the great masters of prose and verse could do it any time of day, like they had a secret lifeline into the Source. Then there were some who drank of it and it consumed them; and others only hit it once in their whole lifetime, and never recaptured the brief ecstasy that it was. I myself of it may say only, how wonderful a universe that such a phenomenon exists: to taste the sap of the Tree of Life, to taste of life eternal.
» comment on this entryread comments, (6) so far.

Annoyed11:32am tuesday, 18th january
Recently, just everything has been getting on my nerves. I’m back on my recommended dosage of medication, if you must know, so I’m more or less of the sane persona, but man: I am annoyed by every little thing. Is there a chemical for that, I wonder, for annoyance? We are used to thinking in those terms, these days in the field of psychological inquiry. A chemical for everything. Something sure seems imbalanced — that’s what I’m saying.

Maybe, though, all it really is that I am having is a bad week. Maybe I am not used to thinking in those terms, right now: normality. (Sure, you may say that nothing’s normal, but we have implied limits to oddity, even if we do not care to acknowledge them on anything but a subconscious level. You have a better idea of what is normal than you may care to recognize.) Yeah, maybe that’s it: looking for weirdness because everything’s a nail when all you’re used to having in your hand is a hammer; but right now, there’s nothing in your hand at all. Your hand is all you have. Unlike what is wrought of man, it is made by God: infinite in possibility. Maybe it is merely fear of so great a choice that makes me crouch out of the daylight: now that I am sane, what do I do?

I guess that would be my final diagnosis: I am annoyed as a defense mechanism against having more or less unlimited freedom. Nothing to combat, I invent things that are wrong from the littlest provocations.... Or maybe not. Maybe I just need more sleep. Eh. It goes.

» comment on this entryread comments, (10) so far.

Somewhere3:25pm saturday, 15th january
It is as if these my dreams exist somewhere on their own,
just waiting for a suitable host to haunt and to impassion:
as if my dreams have never belonged to me, but I to them.

» comment on this entryread comments, (0) so far.

Today11:58am sunday, 9th january
I thought I had been fighting it, but there is still such pride in me. I keep thinking I’m all that. I believe it is the source of my Antichrist dementia: thinking I am the greatest of all who ever were (the smallest part of believing such a thing) triggers the paranoia that I am like Lucifer before the fall. Yes, that part of my madness yet lingers. But don’t think that it’s all that bad; for deeper in me is the faith that I know will bring me through it all, however much I suffer doubt that I can be saved, however much I lose heart. The pride in me: these harrowing thoughts help me fight it, for if I am humble, I have nothing to fear. Count it all joy — you may find that you can, believe it or not, if you but try. We’ve made it through today. Tomorrow starts with a new dawn.
» comment on this entryread comments, (2) so far.

No One11:33am wednesday, 5th january
I am thrown about,
a rag in the wind,
no position of the tide
to call his home, no
angle of the sun to call
his viewpoint: where did I
discover how little
I am, and where do I go
to forget? The yawning
cosmos, I discovered
you far after you
discovered me, but
the difference was that
I was the one that cared.
Or perhaps I miss
the whole point,
the entire meaning
altogether, that what I
need do is to be
blind to what I am,
only to see the other’s
need? Such a saintly way,
however, I find
I do not comprehend,
how someone else’s blood
could look redder
than mine, someone else’s
dreams more worthy,
someone else’s life
more important.
Maybe I should just
fake it, and when I
lay down my life
because I had nothing
better to do with my days,
they will think how
utterly courageous:
he died for love, he died
for the very honor of it.
No one has to know, at all.

» comment on this entryread comments, (3) so far.

^ Top of Page

Steal Me:

august 2001
september 2001
october 2001
november 2001
december 2001
january 2002
february 2002
march 2002
april 2002
may 2002
june 2002
july 2002
august 2002
september 2002
october 2002
november 2002
december 2002
january 2003
february 2003
march 2003
april 2003
may 2003
june 2003
july 2003
august 2003
september 2003
october 2003
november 2003
december 2003
january 2004
february 2004
march 2004
april 2004
may 2004
june 2004
july 2004
september 2004
october 2004
november 2004
december 2004
january 2005
february 2005
march 2005
april 2005
may 2005
june 2005
july 2005
august 2005
september 2005
october 2005
november 2005
december 2005
january 2006
february 2006
march 2006
april 2006
may 2006
june 2006
july 2006
august 2006
september 2006
october 2006
november 2006
december 2006
january 2007
february 2007
march 2007
april 2007
may 2007
june 2007
july 2007
august 2007
september 2007
october 2007
december 2007
january 2008
february 2008
march 2008
april 2008
july 2008
august 2008
september 2008
october 2008
december 2008
january 2009
february 2009
march 2009
april 2009
may 2009
june 2009
august 2009
september 2009
october 2009
november 2009
december 2009
january 2010
february 2010
march 2010
may 2010
june 2010
july 2010
august 2010
september 2010
october 2010
january 2011
february 2011
march 2011
may 2011
june 2011
july 2011
august 2011
october 2011
november 2011
december 2011
january 2012
february 2012
march 2012
june 2012
july 2012
august 2012
september 2012
october 2012
november 2012
december 2012
january 2013
february 2013
march 2013
april 2013
may 2013
june 2013
july 2013
august 2013
september 2013
october 2013
january 2014
february 2014
march 2014
april 2014
may 2014
june 2014
july 2014
august 2014
september 2014
october 2014
november 2014
december 2014
january 2015
february 2015
march 2015
april 2015
may 2015
june 2015
july 2015
august 2015
september 2015
october 2015
november 2015
december 2015
january 2016
february 2016
march 2016
april 2016

© 2001-2012 H13.com. All Rights Reserved.