± H13.com - Archives - January 2006
HomeAboutArchivesBestRandomnessStory
 
 
Letting Go5:04am saturday, 28th january
…and suddenly, I learn to let go. Perhaps it is a fleeting thing, that my sticky soul will catch hold of these obsessions once more, but just this moment, I am free of all things. I imagine that enlightenment is like this, to the nth power, and I wonder if I ever want to feel that weightless; but this is enough, I think even that it is better than I’ve ever had before; though maybe that is a remnant of the illusion. All my life, I have had such trouble in letting anything go — all those women that I loved, I imagine that in my heart that I never fell out of love with any of them. Or out of lust — or was it not even anything like that, not love, not lust, only addictions, any of them? Only raw obsessions? That I can imagine of myself, too, for when the madness came, it had fruitful ground in which to grow. Who is to know such things? We only understand what is before our faces, what is passing casually in our span of attentions, and imperfect is our comprehension of anything. So this moment: it must be enough.

…and the minute ticks, and it is over, back into the dwellings of the sad house of my soul. Back into the worldly cares, where my heart forgets exactly how for those seconds it managed to be desireless. Perhaps it shall return, the sensation that all things were — not that all was right with the world, but that the world understood me for that little space of time, and nodded to acknowledge my existence. I cannot consider that the feeling itself was an illusion, for it lacked any decoration, none of the hazy deliberations of dreams gone by. I think of it now, that I am earthbound once more, that time could not touch me for that little consciousness: I landed this quick, but it was not a crash down to the depths, for I knew what it was to be flowing with time for once, and not against it, and when I was released from release, my velocity was not sudden stop. Strange how things happen, here in the outer regions of the ordinary. Sometimes wonderful.

» comment on this entryread comments, (3) so far.

Resound12:58am tuesday, 24th january
What shall resound in me,
or has all inspiration surrendered?
Sound within sound,
hidden from the casual ear —
or is it merely a creation of imagination?
I cannot tell whether
I am being clever, or if it is instead
a roundabout way of being foolish,
stupidity with a diploma.
For I think that if nothing
comes from nothing, how is it
that it all began, and if something
was always there, how can it be
that it all began? How did it happen?
Or why is it that
there is something, here,
instead of nothing, an infinity
of emptiness? Is that not more sensible?
All these questions I ask,
once I thought I could answer them,
and did, in fact, come up
with aphorisms to cover all my bases.
But as the poet said,
I was so much older then,
I’m younger than that now.
I come up with more questions, these days,
but ones I do not obsess about.
There seems to be more sunshine
that preoccupies me.
I believe that is a kind of wisdom.

» comment on this entryread comments, (2) so far.

Mood Swings1:00am friday, 20th january
Up, down, up, down. Though perhaps not to dwell so low, or to soar so high, as I have known myself to go, I’ve been on some pretty large sweeps of mindset of late. Yes, something of the bipolar thing. Right now, as I write this, I am on a relatively even keel, but in me I feel I can go either way in the course of some the hours — that I am in flux, still, on my way up, or on my way down. Which is sort of an interesting metaphor. I read in this zen book, a long time ago, that the Chinese word for cat was more like “catting” — the action of being a cat. Perhaps we should keep this in mind, that we are all of us, “humaning”, that nothing remains in stasis within us. Maybe that’s the lesson I’m to learn from the throes of these misdirected passions. Enjoy whatever you can while you can, for nothing stays. On the flipside, whatever trial you undergo — it shall pass. But whatever it is, I hope these swings find their gravity, and settle. As soon as may be prudent.
» comment on this entryread comments, (4) so far.

Archangel Michael1:35am monday, 16th january
I remember pretty far back, to before I thought I was the Archangel Michael, that I didn’t want to be Michael. It was not some noble reason why, like I felt I was not worthy enough, nothing like that. For I had thought I was one as the Most High, after all. It was merely that I had thought that Michael was going to lose the War in Heaven. I misread it: “And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels, and prevailed not; neither was his place found anymore in heaven.” [Revelation 12:7-8] And I had thought it was Michael’s place that was found no more in Heaven. I didn’t want that happening to me. I tried to pass off the name, as like it was a title, to various of the people floating around in my head. Various Michaels in real life whom I’d known, who were now cartoons. And to Jim Morrison, and to Jesus Christ himself. I myself didn’t want to miss out on the stuff that Heaven surely had for me.

I remember, just before I was kicked out, I was lying on the floor, as I frequently did in those days, and there was this voice. It boomed, as if to sound like a bell, or at least, a tolling. It repeated, “Michael. Michael. Michael.” As if that was what I had been made for, as if that was my fate, no matter what flailing about I did. And I remember for a long time, that I felt as if I were a doomed man, though I believe it started before that voice. That I was Hellbound — up until my conversion, that was. And I guess it was something from up above that did it, but something turned it around: I understood that Michael won the War in Heaven, and that was with me when the delusions convinced me that I was he, born on earth. When I won the War. So I guess the moral of the story is that perhaps one need not shy from one’s place in the universe, however horrible it may appear to be. It may not be so very bad, once you’re there. And in fact, God might have a surprise or two for you, once you suck it up, and face your destiny. He did me.

» comment on this entryread comments, (6) so far.

Creep1:27am thursday, 12th january
The world creeps into our reasoning: we do things for it
without thinking, now, about what we are actually doing:
maybe to lose something without knowing what it is we had.

» comment on this entryread comments, (1) so far.

Busy1:40am friday, 6th january
I suppose it is only right that I have highs as high as I do (no, nothing drug related), seeing as I have lows as low as I go. I wrote about the funk I was in, and now I am writing about things that cause me to tip in the direction of grandeur. My friend asked me, regarding the research I am doing in information theory, if I thought anyone else in the world was thinking what I was thinking. And I could say yes without hesitation. He asked me how that made me feel, and I described these highs I have, from time to time. Being high on ideas — I mean, literally buzzed from thought. Who knows? I may actually have something. But I have found that being on the road is what counts, putting one’s self out there, in the mix, whatever that might mean to you, and your talents: that’s the whole point of this thing we’re going through. Even if you never feel the high from it. For in the words of Bob Dylan, he not busy being born is busy dying. Life will end up happening to you, if you don’t happen to it.
» comment on this entryread comments, (1) so far.

Beginnings5:49am monday, 2nd january
We begin.
Night spins threads
that weave through even the light,
and some small song within us
remembers the quiet
of the darkness, even as the
blaze of the noonday sun
screams of light.
We have been here before,
but not like this,
and we will be here again,
but no, nevermore like this,
not so, not so: the river
pours through all our dreamings
and washes them
to the shores, some that we reap
a hundred fold, some
to be dashed among the rocks;
and the river forgives nothing,
forgets many things;
and the river does not stop.
Have we become lost?
For I believe we will be found.
Have we become wrong?
For I believe we will be righted.
Have we become hopeless?
For hope in us shall awake.
At the very end, all we
who knew the darkness
shall breathe of light.
The end is not where it all ends.
We do not stop there.
We begin.

» comment on this entryread comments, (2) so far.

^ Top of Page

Steal Me:


Archives
august 2001
september 2001
october 2001
november 2001
december 2001
january 2002
february 2002
march 2002
april 2002
may 2002
june 2002
july 2002
august 2002
september 2002
october 2002
november 2002
december 2002
january 2003
february 2003
march 2003
april 2003
may 2003
june 2003
july 2003
august 2003
september 2003
october 2003
november 2003
december 2003
january 2004
february 2004
march 2004
april 2004
may 2004
june 2004
july 2004
september 2004
october 2004
november 2004
december 2004
january 2005
february 2005
march 2005
april 2005
may 2005
june 2005
july 2005
august 2005
september 2005
october 2005
november 2005
december 2005
january 2006
february 2006
march 2006
april 2006
may 2006
june 2006
july 2006
august 2006
september 2006
october 2006
november 2006
december 2006
january 2007
february 2007
march 2007
april 2007
may 2007
june 2007
july 2007
august 2007
september 2007
october 2007
december 2007
january 2008
february 2008
march 2008
april 2008
july 2008
august 2008
september 2008
october 2008
december 2008
january 2009
february 2009
march 2009
april 2009
may 2009
june 2009
august 2009
september 2009
october 2009
november 2009
december 2009
january 2010
february 2010
march 2010
may 2010
june 2010
july 2010
august 2010
september 2010
october 2010
january 2011
february 2011
march 2011
may 2011
june 2011
july 2011
august 2011
october 2011
november 2011
december 2011
january 2012
february 2012
march 2012
june 2012
july 2012
august 2012
september 2012
october 2012
november 2012
december 2012
january 2013
february 2013
march 2013
april 2013
may 2013
june 2013
july 2013
august 2013
september 2013
october 2013
january 2014
february 2014
march 2014
april 2014
may 2014
june 2014
july 2014
august 2014
september 2014
october 2014
november 2014
december 2014
january 2015
february 2015
march 2015
april 2015
may 2015
june 2015
july 2015
august 2015
september 2015
october 2015
november 2015
december 2015
january 2016
february 2016
march 2016
april 2016
 

© 2001-2012 H13.com. All Rights Reserved.