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july 2011

Spoiled2:44am friday, 29th july
I am spoiled, when it comes to the things of the spirit. I have indeed had grand visions, have been visited by angels, have conversed with the Nazarene Himself. Thinking about my personality, I wonder (a little) if I am addicted to such things. I wonder only a little, I presume I probably am addicted. I wonder what would happen if my mind were suddenly to go back to “normal”, to what it was before I did all those drugs. I have seen glimpses of what that might be, if I were to be so miraculously healed. Mother Teresa wrote that she had not felt the presence of Jesus later in life, and I wonder if it would be possible for me to be as she was: no one at all noticed this, no one ever questioned her faith. Would I be able to go on as faithfully, when the signs no longer point up? Not to see, but yet, believe?
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Buzzahol1:41am monday, 25th july
So, a little confession: I’ve been hooked on cold and allergy medication for a couple three years now. But it may be that I’m coming to grips with it, having had strange things happen to me on that trip to Korea I had recently. Right after it, I was clean for about two months, indulging again on a 4 day weekend 4th of July. Clean again up until this weekend, I’m going to try one last time to kick it, with a little experiment. I’ve been somewhat unmotivated with developing my AI recently, so I’m going to see if it’s been because of the lack of buzz. So I’m going to be buzzed all this week, and try to code. Then I plan on quitting the buzz for good. If I can determine that it has been the lack of buzz that unmotivates me, I think I’ll be in a getter position to handle things. So wish me luck. Yet another thing I’m quitting (it’ll be the 10 year anniversary of me quitting weed this year. Yay!)
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divergence4:31am friday, 22nd july
time is a stranger whose fingers stir our dreams
with eyes that wink at our ending, which gather the light we forget
(meet me in heaven so we can stroke the moon)
and his wheel has turned all the stars about the axis of the void
standing on planets crushed by the weight of knowing
(whisper as spring grows into the perfect rose)
to unwind the secret strings of oblivion’s silver
and as all things die, to collect the wealth of fires furiously spent
(i taste your kiss in the strawberry’s gift of itself)
time, as he stretches to eternity the expanse of all nothingness
forgets the brief dreaming of the uncountable all
(where i loved you, in my heart, i existed)

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Signs1:17am sunday, 17th july
This is what comes of following the signs. I’ve always had my ex-girlfriend (of now, 3 years) in the back of my mind, and in fact, I’ve tried to get back in touch with her a bunch of times, without answers. I’ve always asked the Lord to get us back together again, and He always acted as if that that was a given, that we would be together at some point. Recently, I got the message, “Soon,” and I got the vision that something was going to happen to facilitate this. At first, I read that something strange would happen to make this happen, and I looked up “when strange things happen” or some such on Google, where I got the hit for a full moon. That was Friday. I went to the bookstore that evening, and got the feeling that as I browsed the architecture section, it would hit me what I would need to do to get her talking to me again. And indeed, something popped up.

It’s a crazy idea, but one that two people already had suggested to me: go to New Zealand. Just pick up, and go: find her. This is what hit me. I must go to New Zealand. And I prayed later to ask if there were some other option, but I dunno. I think this might be it. I posted on MSN Live “Auckland sounds like a fine place for a holiday,” seeing as how I know she looks at that when she checks her email. But wow, the signs did not lead me astray. I indeed have learned how to follow this kind of trail. And who knows where this will take me? (Well, besides New Zealand...)

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moment12:44am wednesday, 13th july
the pocket watch of death’s older brother ticks
and unwinds in fire the rose of magic’s magic
with all the symmetry of a supernova
recoiling now, back to the void, wet with creation
the bleed of light peeks into the infinite dark
and time, in its beginningless slipping
dreams everything and nothing, dipped in this moment

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Quotes12:01am saturday, 9th july
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
– James Magary

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
– Mo Udall

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
– Isaac Asimov

The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
– Marcel Proust

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
– Iris Murdoch

You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.
– Charles Austin Beard

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
– Unknown

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I Remember12:01am wednesday, 6th july
I remember fire dancing at my fingertips,
there, in the dream of my youth;
I remember simple things, unsubtle and sweet,
hot and cold, soft and hard,
actions that had no consequence,
immortal years that never would end,
except that alas, they did anyway. I remember
the girls, saving themselves
for a heartbreak, and the boys who bragged
about things that they imagined
they did, there in the
sunshiny morning of youth,
as pure as dew, as simple as a grassy park.
There was pain, too, but
that seems less real than the rest of it,
not that I pretended that I hurt,
but that I bounced back so easily,
back in the saddle to
ride toward the sunset
in our heroic derivatives of myth.
I do not lament that
forever seems to have come and gone,
for in my mind those years
hold an eternal place,
there in the springtime of the world
when our youth was
as infallible as a blue sky, and
so many impossible things happened.

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Alignment5:16am friday, 1st july
Stubbornly, the stars refuse to align. There are signs aplenty, but either they are all in vain or I am reading them wrong. Or perhaps they are only encouragement along the way, lest I let go of hope. For something still shines to me as like something to anticipate, and the call of “soon, soon!” I cannot simply dismiss, not so easy as that. Will it come this magic month? For the number of its position is 7, that number which has such significance, in various places. I have waited for some time for something to happen to me, something which the dreaming has promised is surely set in stone in the future’s writing. I must recall Abraham, I suppose, who was over twice my age when what he waited for finally came. I suppose true faith is baked in such slow cooking. If this is a test, I must surely do my best to pass. Surely this builds character, no?
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