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october 2006

Darfur1:41am monday, 30th october
Darfur makes me feel helpless. So many people have died there, are dying there, and all these websites and such say to me “do something” — then I have this great urge to muster up something, anything — but what will it do? What is needed there is for the United States military to actually get there and do something useful for a change, but this is not going to happen. Certainly not with the head of our country being such the oblivious ninny that he is. What is needed is for the routes to the poor to be guarded against whatever military factions would harshly divert what goods the people who do care have given. These things require some sort of decision higher up, and “the decider” is deciding to do nothing at all about it. Truly, I hear something truly wrong with the turning of the world, but this one hand feels futile in attempting to slow the movement of the ill wind that blows so strong.

This is what I have done, gone here: SaveDarfur.org, and sent an email to send U. N. peacekeeping troops there. And now that I’ve done that, I feel nothing if not more helpless. It’s a spitball in the wind, as far as I’m concerned. People are dying! People just like you, just like me: maybe even better than we, who have sinned less, and suffered more. And even now, as you read this, if I have moved a few, I feel it would in the best of all possible worlds too few to make a dent in the making of any kind of movement. All I can do, the best I can do, is be forlorn — this is what keeps me human in this. That I do care, whatever little that I can care, that I can sense a disturbance in the force, and you should too, whoever is reading this. Hang your head in shame, join me in this. We have said so many times that we would not let it happen again, like the commercial said on TV. We are not worthy.

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smoke and wind4:22am thursday, 26th october
smoke and wind, the world ignites alive the olive branches
doves fall by the thousands, suddenly deprived of their beating wings
what fool are you to desire the end of the world? what madness?

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Just a Song...5:45am sunday, 22nd october
Korea was interesting, if only for the feeling I had when I got off the bus into the old neighborhood. As I was walking back “home”, it was as if I had never left. The place was that familiar. The first week I was there, I was riding on cloud nine. There was so much hope: my friend had told me that he knew a couple hot gyopo chicks (a gyopo is a Korean raised in another country — I’m one), and New York was just like it had been a dream. Then the weekend hit, and turned out only one of the chicks could I meet, and we just didn’t hit it off. Then, Sunday, the elders set me up with someone who was all unhappy during the whole time I sat with her, and then I realized as I was leaving from the meeting that I had dated this person before, once back in like February. Which, of course, could only mean that I had dated every single woman in Seoul, and they were starting to repeat. So the second week, I was kinda down. Then I was back in New York, and the same (in a sense) feeling that Monday: it was like I had never left. Perhaps one day, I can say that about more parts of the world.
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you, yes you12:16am wednesday, 18th october
i remember when my mind gave way
like a beam of certainty split in two
my mind, seized by a lying prophecy
to see the mad beauty in the random splotches
my heart never knows what it longs for
some incomprehensible sanity
what was it? what was it? who are you, really?
that nothingness beyond, so palpable
i came upon myself in dreaming, in back
i mistook myself for a dreamer
deathlike stare as if he knew something
knew nothing, intimately, thought so
why did you think you rose so high?
even the dust was above you
you, the mirror says, you: yes, you
i thought you gave a damn

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