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september 2007

Autumn Is Here12:50pm sunday, 30th september

This is called “Testament of a Dead Leaf”, by Mordecai Ardon.

Click on this to get a larger version.

To commemorate the start of fall.

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borderlands3:32am thursday, 27th september
i travel all the borderlands wherefore the dreams do lead
the edge is not always so sharp, is not always so well defined:
the shifting pathways make you shy backwards, away; or to leap

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Dreams4:07am monday, 24th september
In a dream, I was in a friend’s house, and there were these fruit. Plump, juicy, and delicious fruit — like grapefruit, but so sweet — and I kept offering them to people who were there, but no one listened. I cut them open, and I would tell them how wonderful they were, but no one listened, and so I ate the fruit myself.... Now, I do not know what of dreams are reflections, or reflections of reflections. I do not know if there is any meaning to them when there are not angels to directly tell you things. But some of them seem so full of purpose, if only while it is while you are asleep, adrift in the ethereal plane, and are not yourself — not sober, at least. For God spoke to most in riddles, even the prophets. Perhaps He tells you things and you would never guess it was He.
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Updating...12:01am thursday, 20th september
It’s been a while since I’ve updated you on my life, as I know it. I did tell you about the girlfriend now in my life again, and my new venture as being one self-employed, but I think I maybe spent less than a paragraph combined in telling you. The last day of my old life was the end of May, and I’ve been on my own since. Then, I went to Europe for two weeks, to visit my old girlfriend, who is living in England. We went to Rome, and that was like one of the great traveling experience of my life. I daydreamed about it for like two weeks after I got back here to New York City. So, I have a girlfriend again. There’s been drama, too: she didn’t get in contact with me for about a month, but we talked end of last week. Turned out she was having “the worst summer of her life”, and I was no small part of the maelstrom of stress that was her life. But at least I finally got through. We’ll see what happens next.

As far as my new job goes, it’s awesome. I mentioned in passing that it’s open source artificial intelligence. The greatest thing about it, I would say, is the hours. Well, yes, it’s doing things that I would do anyway, but I found I can keep some very strange hours. Like staying up for 32 hours and then sleeping for 12. And be productive, all they way up to passing out from exhaustion. Life is so awesome. No one understands what I am doing. Well, very few. I am reminded of when Albert Einstein was asked, “Is it true that only three people in the world understand Relativity?” To which he paused. “Dr. Einstein?” And he said, “I’m trying to think of who the third person is.” Which is not to compare myself with Albert. Heh. But I am very proud of the work I’m doing. Not too many people in the world can say that so wholeheartedly. To sign off for now, as E. E. Cummings said of asking nature questions, “you answer them only with spring”. Indeed.

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Generation X Redux 77:15pm wednesday, 19th september
And the brutality of it all happens only behind the screen, in a nullspace, and it doesn’t ever seem real,
even when it’s happening to you. And we can if we want imagine so much worse; and in fact, we can imagine
so much the better than we have ever likely observed; but for all our visions, do we never act upon any of them.
And we are not so much lost as milling around, waiting impatiently for something we forgot what it was,
sometime back in childhood — though in cruel, existential irony, it might be our childhood itself which is that thing.
And our enlightenment, our own sound of one hand clapping: detachment from all things by going into shock,
desireless by not seeing the point of it: lo, meandering outside the cycle of life and death, carefully untouched by destiny.

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Generation X Redux 63:25pm saturday, 15th september
Are we bitter? We sit here amazed at ourselves. The dream that was lost was before our time, though we
sensed that something important must have happened, just before we came along, even if we missed
the dance, and were left only to clean up the cups and plates of the party we would only hear stories about.
And what we are amazed with is so mundane to think of: that we got by, that we survived, when we were fed
so little meaning to sustain us. We believed in a thousand things with half a heart, desiring something
we knew not how to put into words, for the words were taught us without our experiencing what they could mean.
We have not even the passion to curse anyone; we are not bitter: we never stewed long or hot enough.

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Generation X Redux 56:00am tuesday, 11th september
“They don’t make ’em like they used to”: we haven’t ever known first hand what this statement meant,
for in our past, there was no golden, Edenic solidity where the idylls of youth were ever truly free from care,
no point where there wasn’t something wrong, really wrong with the world, and we were not aware of it;
how we were convinced back from our youth that the earth was dying, or at least, continuously sick —
wondering, we, how the generations before left such a morbid ruin to us, not ever thinking how we would
make the excuse that they did, how it was like that when we got here — when we slowly began to realize
how arrogant we imagined, that we would watch the end of the world happen, and stay unchanged.

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Generation X Redux 412:02am friday, 7th september
When exactly we accepted injustice as the status quo of our existence, it can only be conjectured, and it was
not childhood’s end that brought this interpretation into its inevitability — for we became dazed long before
we had to fend for ourselves: even when we had time enough and worlds, in the reality we faced, did we
at least always pay lip service to the mammon of cynicism, the wealth of its resignation, even when
in the deepest that we ever dared to go within ourselves, we always believed in the movie endings,
that somehow, good would triumph over evil — all we who had always had the luxury of believing
that we knew this secret of the universe — though not to know why sometimes it was so obviously wrong.

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Generation X Redux 31:46am monday, 3rd september
In school we learned how to dream effectively, though not by the teachers, and not by the books:
it was all attitude, and that was something you had even if you had to fake it — and it’s a scary thing
when you’re twelve, and that attitude is real — though even in its most genuine, it was mostly posturing,
shuffling out the alpha males and females from the beta, learning submissive postures early,
that pyramid of popularity we learned more and more up through high school, and never really outgrew:
because we find that those same people who run high school are those same people that run the world:
and it’s all attitude, the tragedy being that if you fake it for long enough, you become that fake.

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