± H13.com - Archives - September 2009
september 2009

meaning12:57am wednesday, 30th september
the interpretation has gone amok
the wires are bare and everywhere and leaking electricity
the words you notice aren’t there
somehow to get a grip on what’s been going on
wrestling with the figment demon
waking up and finding yourself among the ordinary world
to find what meaning has meaning

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Link12:14am saturday, 26th september
You know I rarely link. But there’s something cruising through them internets that I thought would be so very appropriate for this site. It’s a cartoon describing schizophrenia, and it’s quite striking. Part of a book the author has posted on his site. Our friend Strawberry once described Kafka’s “Metamorphosis” as a metaphor for the sick, and the stigma of illness. For sure, mental illness is ugly, even to many of the most compassionate eyes. Hopefully more works like this author is creating will enlighten the masses, and people like me won’t have to be anonymous when describing their history of it, because of what people might think. Who have people close to them not understand what they’ve been through. One can always hope that things will change for the better. Not because we deserve it, or any such moral imperative — just because the time has come.
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Passing2:47am tuesday, 22nd september
Strange how so many times I think a thing and write it down, only for it to make sense some time after. There are surely unseen powers at work in the world, larger voices that call us — sometimes in the silence. It makes me wonder if the prophets themselves knew the true meanings of what they put in pen. As it is, what happens to me is a method of giving me faith. For as I have any patience at all, what is written by my hand is what will be written in the world, for better or for worse. Mostly better, actually. There are things which you can spy that you are merely the vehicle through which it is passing. When something’s time is come, and you are a flywheel along its path. This, to humble you, and make you realize that there is a greater world than we imagine. Than we can imagine.
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unnamed3:44am friday, 18th september
the worst the demon can do is unnamed despair
to cripple you without reason
to gnaw at you without cease
beyond the reach of logic’s facility
to be hungry when your stomach is full
until the point where you realize, like all pain it is
when you decide to entrust yourself to the hands of eternity
no darkness can withstand the light

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Yadda2:14am monday, 14th september
So what’s been going on? I’ve been working. That’s pretty much it. But things are pretty awesome in that department. This was why I took that recent break from writing. At the beginning of August, I actually got something to work with the AI I’ve been working on for the last 8 years. Simple syllogistic logic, but I’ll take it. And I am now attempting to do a more general logical expansion. Shooting for end of September to get a working demo to show to investors. Speaking of which, I have a couple leads in that department, as well. So, basically got everything but the girl. Still. I keep expecting the ex to contact me, but that never happens. Yet I can’t stop expecting, for some reason.... And so, this is what it’s like in the fulfillment of a dream, I tell myself. Almost as scared to succeed as I am to fail. Almost.
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smoke2:23am thursday, 10th september
i am made of standing smoke
like a thousand whispers’ poem
there is a dream of me in the wind
i dwell in the undercurrent of desire
at home and solitary in the great crowd
i have not always been here, the day is long
but smoke is not imaginary, nor am i undefined
the wind of me drifting remembers my escaping name

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Something2:39am sunday, 6th september
I begin to think there’s something going on, here. August 31st, Monday, I awoke to a crushing depression. Really, I could not do anything. Not even think of concentrating on anything related to my project. I had no idea why. Nothing had materially changed from Sunday, or even Friday. Then, late Tuesday night, for no apparent reason, I decide to look at a Korean newspaper. And there, I read that the actress Jang Jin-Young had just died, the day before. I had been madly in love with her (colloquially, not literally) ever since seeing her in a commercial for a movie she did in 2003. WTF? I mean, I never look at Korean newspapers, and I happen to look exactly when it would be on the front page news? And I get this crippling depression at just the same time? What does any of this mean?
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small3:55am wednesday, 2nd september
i am small upon the face of the world, almost nothing
and from dust i come, and to dust i shall return, in an instant
but in that instant there is a burst of light, that i have been

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