Strange how I craved for the ordinary. Still do, though much of normalcy has been granted me. The grass is always greener, n'est-ce pas? Who, who lives an ordinary life, does not wish for the unusual? In high school, I played like I was mad. It was just play. There was a certain romance to it. I remember I read I Never Promised You a Rose Garden greedily, hanging on every word, memorizing the names of the gods this young woman imagined in her own madness. I thought it would be "cool" to be a schizophrenic. The reality, I found, was nothing like I imagined. It was ugly. And bright. I think I imagined madness to be a dark place, but I experienced it as things being supernaturally bright. That logo, H13, in the upper left corner — that's what I was doing there.
There are times, believe it or not, when I miss the madness. It passes quickly, though. I think I still want to be extraordinary, but in a normal way. To achieve something. I always felt I was meant for something; do you ever feel that? I feel like I'm starting very late, being in my thirties and just getting a handle on life for the first time, really. Is a misspent youth a normal thing? What I could have been doing, had I not done the things I did. I feel a lot that the madness was my fault, because of the drugs. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it would have hit me anyway. Let me not dwell. It is morning and the sun is out. Breathe in the dawn air and prepare to live the day.
Serena190
3:28am monday, 3rd december
Wow. Man...that describes me. The first paragraph. I read that book too. I felt the same thing. While me not being schitzophrenic, I have discovered that the world she spoke of isn't...exactly great. I don't know what I suffer from...but whatever it is, it's just not great, and I do yearn for the ordinary. To have a normal life. I've been craving the unusual for too long. *smiles, laughs*
Yes...I relate. Wow. Man. *shakes her head, blinks*
kapil tewari
3:43am monday, 3rd december
i'm a schizophrenic like u i have also come back to normalacy there is a great different in live to be full normal has become a dream.
kapil tewari
3:47am monday, 3rd december
i'm a schizophrenic like u i have come back to normal life is full of pain i can,t become full normal if anyone ones to share my emotions my e-mail id is tewarikapil@hotmail.com
L.
8:33am monday, 3rd december
We are all the sum total of our life experiences. These experiences make us who we are today. Who is to say that your "madness" was wrong? Your madness has made you who you are, just like my life experiences have made me who I am. I do not understand why each of us has the life we have, but I have faith that our lives are what our souls need in order to return to the Source.
We are human beings attempting to make sense of being incarnated in flesh and bones. We are all attempting to understand who we are and to know our place in the great scheme of things.
Your youth has not been misspent. You have be living your life the best way you could. Your experiences have counted for something. Perhaps you needed those periods of madness to help prepare you for what ever it is that lies in front of you. Perhaps you need the teachings of those times to provide you with necessary information. Who's to say? And in the end, it almost doesn't really matter what has happened in the past. What matters is what happens today-in this time- in this space-in this present moment.
LG
9:45am tuesday, 4th december
There is a advantage to being mad... It is only in madness does one see the beauty and the magnitude of morning after the storm.
Serena190
9:58pm tuesday, 4th december
I agree.
T.
8:24pm friday, 7th december
This is right on. I have many times felt that I had a special purpose in life. I was once diagnosed with schizo-effective disorder, which is a form of schizophrenia. In my delusions, sometimes I believe that I was put on earth for a special mission that only I knew about. I couldn't tell anyone because I thought my cover would be blown. I also think that sometimes Jesus still speaks to me.
bart
3:28am tuesday, 11th december
being "hypo-manic" ( for thirty years )was a great field , I played in ...
Three years of psychosis (going fine now)made it a killing field.Anyway,the green grass ,drives me and suggest me to stop JUST before the horizon :-)...
Adrenaline's the fuel (machinehead)
kakoa
5:05am sunday, 1st september
I sometimes find myself wishing that I was out of my mind. Im an extreamly impulsive person and I think that maybe if I was diagnosed with somethign like that maybe I could use it as a cover for my sometimes embarrassing actions.
Being that my moods do swing violently I think that I may need to go see a doctor soon, possibly to prescribe some medication.
I find the things you write here inspiring, and maybe if I cannot experiance what you have gone through, your writings relate a fraction of what went through your mind, and it is beautiful. I hope to experiance the "morning after the storm" as that person so aptly put it.
Serena190
kapil tewari
T.
kakoa