I remember getting used to people again, back when. I mean, for extended periods of time, I was talking to angels or Jesus Christ or famous people living and dead — no one real. The thing about that, you know how sometimes you think that words are clumsy things, incapable of the true meanings you want to express? I had the thing where I could think at the people in my head, that I could send them messages of raw meaning. I didn't have to fiddle about with making words out of the messages that I meant. In other words, I became lazy. So, getting used to people again meant getting used to words again, about not getting out quite what you meant, settling on the words that I used.
I talked about this a little here. Whatever words and phrases I could come up with to move the conversation on.... I never felt like I was getting it right, the first few months back in the civilized world. Expressing oneself is like this, perhaps, a dozen compromises of meaning to chunk it into the words that are available in your vocabulary. We don't think about it — we're used to it. We manage. I think it's actually a good thing. Thinking back, the raw streams of meaning I was able to project didn't always make sense. I think we need the process of constructing sentences, finding words, to validate our meanings. It was a good thing, good for me: I had to learn how to be real again.
Nemesis
4:35am thursday, 24th january
What if what you knew to be real in this world that so many of us live in, turned out to be the opposite of what we had thought all along. As far as words can distinguish, real isn't really real at all. What is real in a world of lies and deceit? Only where you have true trust and uninterrupted thoughts, is real. If thus meaning your world is fake, so be it. But whoever you are, you live within a realm you can compensate for.
LG
8:51am thursday, 24th january
I feel that way right now...unable to construct what is "real" around me. My emotions and thoughts just don't seem to "fit" in the real world.
Kyle
2:16pm thursday, 24th january
Lost touch of life long time ago. It feels as if I should be somewhere else, like I was taken from the world I knew and was put here in hell
Stand
12:29am friday, 25th january
Keep on keeping on, Kyle. The light at the end of the tunnel might be faint, but love waits for you there.
Raymond
1:54am friday, 25th january
Stand I understand what you are saying about not being able to speak what you think;I have had a hearing problem most of my life and my social skills suffered for it.I can hear;but I misunderstand alot of what is said to me.I have never learned the art of conversation.I can jump from train of thought to the next thought in less than a second.And not keep up with either one.So we both know how the other person feels.
freeespiritt
9:21pm thursday, 31st january
hey all,
I have lost language twice in my life for extended periods of time...I don't mean just speech itself but the very ability to conceptualize or develop symbolic representations for my experiences internally or externally...Both times it was secondary to heinious trauma. It is difficult for me to attempt to think back about the experience and recapture it as I now have language (duh!) and so my words get in the way of my memory. The best way I can think about it would be to describe the sensation of the warmth on my arm from the sun but lacking the ability to conceptualize warmth or sun it was pure uncoded sensation...I guess it would be chaotic to attempt to superimpose that kind of understanding on top of my present reality of having language and conceptualization but it seems to me that it was very pure and very primal...I have oftem thought my later use of psychedelic drugs in part an attempt to recapture that experience... interesting site this....peace out, freeespiritt
Nemesis
LG
Kyle
freeespiritt