Sometimes I have good days, sometimes I feel not so hot. Sometimes I imagine that, however well I do with my life, I am being built up only so to be torn down at some later date in the future. This is the paranoia: all the good that I have done and that has happened to me, all they will be is that every opportunity was given to me to be one of the elect, one of the saved, and it will culminate in me throwing all of it in the garbage and choosing to rebel against God and man, that I will prove myself the Son of Satan. There is where my madness lies, my greatest fear. However hard I try, that in the end, I will not win.
I have fought Satan and won. I have built myself back to sanity. I have a job, I pursue artificial intelligence and web design on the side, and I go to church regularly. Whatever I do, though, I cannot help but shake the fear that all of it will be for naught. That I will have wasted my life, when it comes right down to the nails of it.
But what else is there to do but to keep on? That every day I start fresh and do my best to do what I am able, and to do what is right. It is not about not letting the madness win — it is merely about surviving in the circumstances I have been given. I cannot imagine that others have an easier time than me; that, I think, would be a fallacy of only being able to see through your own eyes. I keep on because I can do nothing else but that. Nothing else but to see it through.
I do not know what the future holds, but I can hope. That will hold me for today, and that is all I need of it. Tomorrow I will think about tomorrow.
Raymond
1:05am saturday, 23rd march
Thanks Stand I needed a small truth to help me to keep on going till something comes my way that I enjoy.Thanks for being here.
Raymond