The fear sometimes returns. The feeling, "What have I done to myself?", that I have perhaps sinned too greatly in my life. The imagination that I am forever damned, with no recourse for salvation. I conceive the paranoia that I am like Hitler before he rose to power. No one knew, then, how evil he was; he was just a man like any other man. Only when he was given power did he prove to be a madman in the worst possible sense, and I half believe that I am like that. That I have killed myself, spiritually, along the way, or that I will in the future. I have spoken about this before.
The Yiddish proverb comes to me, "He that can't endure the bad will not live to see the good." The paranoia is strong. Sometimes it fades on its own, sometimes the only thing that will dissipate it is if I bow my head and pray. God has a plan for me, like He has a plan for everyone, really. It's just the question of what exactly that might be. Up or down, it's not really up to me. Sometimes I feel helpless, a leaf in the wind. I wonder what the future holds. Perhaps I was right here. And there are good times, along the way, when I feel okay — about myself and the world in general.
But maybe this is it, and this would be the hardest thing to believe, wouldn't it?: the best is yet to come. Maybe this is the bad, right now, and the good — I will live to see it, after all.
x
8:49am monday, 29th april
Keep writing through it and it WILL get better.
Serena190
10:34pm monday, 29th april
Wow, some of what you wrote reminds me of what i'm going through right now. I hope I can endure these bad moments i'm going through, so that I can live to see the good. I hope you shall see the good too. God willing, all of us who go through bad times shall live to see the end of them. :3
Lisa
5:17am wednesday, 12th february
We all suffer. It is at these times that we feel that we have no control; to be our own "god".
Boy
6:20am tuesday, 20th april
Look closely at your hand: it is made up of millions of individual living cells. Each has a purpose and each communicates in its own fashion with others. Each one lives and grows. Your entire body is made up of individual cells; each with a number of jobs to do and each growing, living. The chief cells in your stomach secrete pepsin. the islands of langerhan cells in your pancreas secrete insulin, the stapedius muscle helps control the tesion on your inner ear (tympanic membrane) which controls how loudly sounds can seem. the pili muscles make your hairs stand up. If you look at each cell you see something living, growing, changing slightly. But you would never imagine that all together they make it possible to read these words, dream at night, remember a phone number. Somehow all these cells, taken together, become more than the sum of their parts. This is called emergent properties. Think about emergent properties and also, think about this: When you were a child, you looked at writing and it looked like scribbles; strange marks. In time you learned to read and what was once strange to you was like an open door. You were the same child but more than you were before.
x
Serena190