Illusions make us hope for foolish things. Several (it seems like "many") times in the past, I have become infatuated with pretty girls and pretty women, those whom to gaze into their faces was like to fall into a dream. Besides the fantasies I would have about them (not all sexual, either), I would fabricate illusions — that their smile meant more than a smile, that they looked into my eyes when they talked to me a second too long for it not to mean something, things like that. These illusions would make me hope stupidly, that perhaps I had a shot after all, that a lofty beauty was actually within fingertips' reach. Then, of course, when I would try to act on those illusions, I would crash and burn....
You'd think I'd learn. But something about a pretty face makes my brain just float away, and all I am left with is a heart that believes anything. And I will lead myself on, "She must really like you, after all, she [insert stupid reason here] ", lead myself on for weeks, months, and (a couple times) years. I feed these illusions with any scrap of concocted evidence I can possibly infer from even the most innocent of actions. And illusions can live on such ethereal nourishment all the way until that moment comes — and it must come, for all illusions are temporary — when an act, perhaps subtle, perhaps a direct "No", forces you to upturn all that you thought you knew about someone, all that you believed was true.
There are other illusions, like when a broken heart seems like it will never heal. That's an illusion, too. But like any illusion, it's hard to look past that, to see what is real — no matter, it seems, what that real thing is, or what it may mean.
x
7:22am thursday, 1st august
We all fall in love with beautiful illusions,especially creative people and there isn't any cure. Sorry- It doesn't get any better as you get older- believe me!!
x
7:24am thursday, 1st august
ps- are you reading my diary??!!
x
5:29pm sunday, 4th august
pps Forgot to say that it isn't always an illusion. Sometimes the other person loves you back and you get married and have a family- just in case you were feeling totally bleak!!
choco
7:47am wednesday, 21st august
you sound as though you are fighting some real demons. i work with schizophrenics and they are the most understood and mistreated people in the world. you have my prayers.
x