The paranoia I think I have a grip on. When I see two management types at work, I get that paranoid thing where I think they're talking about me. There's no reason they would be; my mind makes these aberrant assumptions that everything relates back to me. It may have something to do with those delusions of grandeur I had such trouble with in the past (like when I thought I was Christ, for example, or God) — in those times, I thought that the whole universe revolved around me. But these days, I can pretty much talk myself down: calmly, I say to myself, "You're tripping," and it would more or less be literally true, as this psychosis is something like one big acid trip I never came down from. I realize that I am not the center of everyone else's lives, and they're most probably not talking about me.
Now that I think of it, it was the paranoia which, back when, set off the Antichrist trip. The trigger would vary, but ultimately, this was the delusion of grandeur backfiring, given my beliefs about the world and what I thought of myself. Me thinking I was the end all be all of all existence, now that I knew I was not God nor Christ, made my paranoia believe the worst: that I was so great a man that I must be the Beast, who it is written warred against the saints and overcame them — and that I was destined to be thrown into a lake of fire after my three and a half year reign. Curious enough was how this played on me. This acted on me as sort of a negative reinforcement therapy; it helped me to be humble, to not think I was all that. Strange how things work out....
Brenda
1:17am tuesday, 5th november
First of all, I would like to say that I am very proud of you for over-coming this terrible disease. You are a very strong person. Second, remember that not everyone is perfect. Some people are on put on this earth with challenges bigger than every day life challenges. Those are the strong ones that can over-come them. You have in a way helped other people with this disease by showing them that there is a way out, and that it is possible to be normal, or human I should say, and you have given them hope. Ending, you should be very proud of yourself, and live every day with faith and well-being.
Brenda