In the things that I have suffered, I think I have never known despair. The worst of all of it perhaps was a numb of non-feeling; that there would be pain was preferable to feeling nothing at all. Though in the numb was not despair, I suppose there was no hope there, either. There was no sense of utter futility if I kept on, but no sense, too, that things would get any better if I were to continue living. It was not truly life, I think, for life is a kind of dynamic, a motion, a non-equilibrium state of actions and reactions. Perhaps it would have been better to despair, better to feel than not to feel at all, that there should not be a shield against the world's motion nor the sensation that something is happening — for good or ill.
No, I have never known despair, but that there was no promise within the days I walked, I know a little of what that is like. My dreams in times past all died quietly, if they died: as if I had never dreamed them at all.
chief
5:47am saturday, 16th november
BE THankful you have never known despair I HAVE there was no hope for living one minute more and i died and guess what there was nothing there either
chief