I am something of a stranger to myself, I think. It is as if my soul is half attached to this body, half floating around in some astral plane. Sometimes I feel like I am a replacement for the person who once inhabited this form, that the real person who belonged here was pushed out, and I secretly took his place. It goes along with this trip, that Philip K. Dick (whose experience was so very similar to mine) was replaced by Elijah, and I was replaced with the Antichrist — or, if you want to get technical, the person who inhabited this body once is now gone and I am the Antichrist. I dunno. It may be, if we play amateur psychologist, that it is just me having trouble with completely accepting who I am — that I have trouble with the concept, "I am me" — and that's really all there is to this thing.
It probably is that the phenomenon is not an uncommon one. I think there are many out there who haven't completely accepted themselves — who can't. And in my condition, I merely have an out of the ordinary perspective on the issue. For me, it is as if I can actually feel the substance of the soul, and that it is somewhat detached from this body, something like a part of me detached from my whole self. As I have spoken before, this is more or less the amplification of a rather mundane experience. So it goes, I guess. I have a little ways to go (and perhaps I always will) before the madness is completely lifted from me. Hm. Maybe I'm actually normal, though, right now? Maybe everyone is at least a little mad. Perhaps only he who is dead fits completely into a given mold, after all....
x
5:39pm saturday, 23rd november
I think it's normal, but then who is 'normal'? I sometimes feel that I died in the car smash I was in last year
and was born into a world almost the same as the one I left but not quite.
Stand
2:43am sunday, 24th november
Yes! That's the exact feeling I'm talking about!
Rene
11:18pm monday, 25th november
When I was young, I was brought unconcious out of a burning apartment building in a devastating fire. When I awakened to carry on with my life, I was forced temporarily by economics to return to an abusive parent that I believed I had escaped forever. I began to believe that I had actually died and had gone to hell. Sometimes, all these years later, I still see everything that occured from that point in my life as somehow sureal. Perhaps it was just the impact of the terror I incurred that the innocence died and I will never look at life again in the same way.
Stand
4:45am tuesday, 26th november
Whoa. That's intense, Rene.
x
7:32am tuesday, 26th november
There isn't really an emoticon to express this- but I understand what Rene means and empathise. Bad stuff happened to me when I was 16 and though I tried to blank it out of my head it's got hard wired into my brain somewhere...and then my accident brought it all up again somehow so I had to deal with it. (30 years too late but then what is time anyway?)Perceptions change but you live on, mourn the loss of your innocent self and just get on with life. But you are still a bit fractured inside.
x
10:40am tuesday, 26th november
Just thought that although we'know' it is our perception of the world that has changed and not the world itself we can't really believe in this 'reality.'It's like being on a huge ship leaving harbour; it moves so infinitesimally slowly and so imperceptibly that you are convinced it's the earth that is actually moving.
Jacob
9:58pm saturday, 30th november
This is amazing, I am trying to understand some of the complexities of this diagnosis and this page has helped alot. Power to you for writting in!
Kyle
10:14pm saturday, 30th november
I sometimes fear that i have either died, or that i am in a coma, and I am reliving my horrible existance in my mind, or....infinately worse, somewhere I dont remember. ??
Kyle
nightwolf87@cox.net
http://spree.to/prophecy
Stand
4:27am sunday, 1st december
I've had acid trips where I believed that — that I had died and was in Hell. I've written about this before, how dawn snapped me out of the trips. Dawn will come, I hope, for you, too.
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