I have imagined that my soul is dead, that I have sinned too much, and that there is nothing left in me to save. I don't know if it is a wholly irrational fear, as these thoughts play on the sins I as yet commit, the wrongs and bad intentions I still am prey to. My lingering madness perhaps intensifies some mundane questions of the state of my being, that I am still a sinner, and old, bad habits die hard — then I feel that I have lost, that some critical victory has been had by the Enemy. And at that point, I pray. There is nothing else that helps me, here, for I am dealing with forces that are beyond my mortal powers to handle, ancient and deep energies beyond my ken. And it is always mine to find in me after these trials that I am newly saved, each time. That some great Eye sees me, understands why I am as I am, and forgives me. As if it is mine to stumble along this path of life, but something will always pick me up, brush me off, and set me on my way, to go as best I can.
caintheexile
5:13pm monday, 20th october
Damn man. You said it. I went mad about 4 months ago, and that's how it feels, like you've already lost, like judgement day has come and gone and you've failed. I miss that sense of confidence that comes with the assumptions of the sane, that you're 'ok', that you're good enough to get to heaven, that it doesn't matter if there is no god. It's like that line in Lord of the Rings when Elrond says 'I was there the day the strength of men failed'. And I don't know how to make it right.
caintheexile