I remember writing, when I was in high school, that there was this big blank space where my dreams used to be. I recall that I had such imagination when I was a child, and then, around age 17, I felt that I was exhausted of those resources, thinking back then that I had run out of things I wanted to say, waiting only for the apocalypse that never came. Then, after my long haze of being constantly on drugs, I was psychotic, and I imagined many things, but most of all that was worthless except only to those who want to speculate how the human mind actually works. I conceived that I conceived great things, only to look back later and find it all (almost all) crap. Such is delusion.
These days, there are moments when I think I am blank, but then, I look around inside my head, and lo, there is some secret fountain somewhere that constantly flows, and I write. It is a mystery where it comes from, but I am amazed that it comes. Perhaps you have thought yourself empty, too? Knock on some doors, inside your head. You'll be surprised at what answers, waiting only for the inclination to express itself. Human beings are overengineered, and I think that we are much capable of things we never imagined, where brave men have ventured and succeed, and those who never try will never know.
ariel
12:23am saturday, 31st january
I say the past is over, the future is not here yet. All judgments of success lie in the past or are hope for in the future. But right now, the only moment we really have, the only question is- am I truly and wholly myself in this moment. In this moment there is no judgement of ourselves. There is only who we are and what we do now to demonstrate and express the spirit within us in this moment. Success is an illusion we create to give ourselves pain. We survive, we are here being. When we come to that realization, the struggle is over, pain is over, we have survived because in this present moment we fully exist.
ariel