I once thought I could create a universe, a multiverse, an omniverse. As if it were as simple as stitching together a fabric or two, as if it could be done as easily as constructing a paragraph. I was going to build my own world: such was my great madness. I imagined I had some hidden power, that if I were to do the right thing to unlock the secret chambers of my spirit, I would have such energy that I could destroy and create the galaxies. For some reason, too, I believed I had sentience beyond all normal comprehension, that I had some supra genius uncountable with normal measures. I think back upon that time and two things strike me: how utterly believable it seemed to me then, and how incredibly stupid the thoughts seem to me now. We all believe to some degree what we want to believe, but mine own conjectures had no rational boundaries by which they were limited: I believed it all.
Of course, the "all" I believed was everything that came from my own mind; anything anyone else told me were just nonsense coming from mere mortals. My state back when: I had such power in my own mind, but in the outside world, how utterly helpless I was. Once I broke free of the shackles of matter, I told myself, I would have energy beyond energy, and I would make of the earth, EUTOPIA; I would bring back all of the dead, and I would make of everyone an immortal; there would be now more sorrow, and no more pain, and we all would be as gods. Delusions of such grandeur. I wonder, now, if any of it still remains, if my current ambitions reach too far. I ask, for what am I made? If it be that I was made as a common man, for a common life, this I must accept. Whatever else, I must not let the madness creep back in, however it may disguise myself: better the mundane, if it be true.
I look at van Gogh's Starry Night and think to myself, if I can make one such work as worthy as this, then I would be satisfied for the whole of my life. But maybe it is not for me ever to be so, ever to be satisfied; I spent too much time idling — perhaps it is only meant for me to struggle, to reach, even if I never can quite get there.
Georgina
7:10pm saturday, 3rd april
Believe it or not H13, you have already contributed emensely to our incredible, mysifying universe, with this very website which can only be described as totally awesome, in the postitive sense that is.
Rich
6:47am sunday, 4th april
some Christian sects believe that it was the morning star's (Satan's) idea that all people come to earth and live without suffering, just mearly to get a body and all would be forced to follow his ways. Naturally the idea was rejected because if everything was good exclusivly, then there was no bad, and thus no spectrum, totally taking advantage of individuality, free will and agency. yet another religion believes that after this life, all are given their own universe to work with and be God over. weird... amen Georgina
nikita
2:06am wednesday, 7th april
what brought you back? and how? it is so amazing, even more than what once took you -- to multiverse/omniverse-land!
Georgina
Rich
nikita