What is that unnamable desire? When I want what is most probably impossible? I can't even tell if it can exist, that thing I crave: and I have no idea what can satiate me. It is that feeling that you want to fly and fall at the same time, something, anything but just sit there and type, anything but the ordinary world you have fought so hard to get back into.... It passes, though — it is a fleeting desire, something that seizes you for the second and then vanishes, leaving you a little strange. And then, I don't want to know. I don't want to know what weirdness it is that some subterranean neuron has fired in my belly's lust. I just want to forget that I did so desire, like I have put so much of my past to rest, go on with life, go on with normality, go on, keep on.
Of course, it is hard to forget the feeling. Curious, I wonder what the root of this desire may be. Drugs? Sex? Madness? Combinations of two of these, or all three? There is a bunch of stuff I have given up to be able to sustain my sanity, and my reckoning is that these lacks conspire with one another and make me want some strange substance — one that does not rightly exist in the form that I want it. But so what? Who doesn't want the impossible, at times? We should not expect to receive it: that is the lesson I need to learn from these cravings. Let them fade, for they will. I will get used to the life I have built for myself, used to these walls, used to this soul that have shoveled out and planted. I will survive.
lydia
5:52am wednesday, 21st april
who gave you the lesson that you do not receive the impossible? Don't burry yourself alive
Rich
12:02am thursday, 22nd april
humans have to believe in something that wont happen, or something that cant be proven until after a mysterious point
No Help For That
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
a space
and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest
times
we will know it
we will know it
more then
ever
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and
we will wait
and
wait
in that space.
-Charles Bukowski
lydia
9:02am thursday, 22nd april
there are some souls conceived in absolute holiness. When such a holy soul desends to this world, and is not tainted by sin, it results in an individual who has perfect faith. Such a person never has any doubts at all.
People can express skeptisism in such individual'sm presence, but his faith is in no way disturbed. Just like a eunuch is not aroused by lewd conversation, such an individual is totally oblivious to all doubts. His ears are deaf to all speculation and confusion.
Even if you are not endowed with such an extraordinary soul, you can realize that most questions and doubts are mere foolishness. Upon close examination, these questions turn out not to be questions at all.
Sichoth HaRan
lydia
Rich
Stand