So, no. I have not achieved that “great thing” I had thought I was close to reaching. But I find I am not disappointed; I am rather more relieved than anything else. And really, when I had felt myself on such a brink, I was scared, plain and simple. It is that now, I find myself really enjoying the journey there, because I understand a little of what it might mean were I to reach some grand goal. I am still young enough to be like this (or perhaps it never goes away) that I am happier with the less of responsibility. I would rather be of lighter consequence. I delight that I cannot move heaven and earth, that thunder does not follow my steps. Because it would be real this time, not some delusion of grandeur: that terrified me. Oh, it still may happen some time in the future, but I am quite content to leave it in that nebulous space. This journey is quite the trip, indeed, worth the price of admission by itself.
?
10:54pm wednesday, 9th march
You are closer than you think.
Strawberry
4:34am thursday, 10th march
I pay a woman to be my friend for one hour twice a week. We meet in the evening in a public library. In her day job she works with autistic and downs syndrome students at a local high school. She isn't a therapist. She doesn't know much about schizophrenia at all. But what I need her to help me with is finding the strength to re-enter society and still keep true to who I am. I ask her to tell me stories about normal people and how they live. She said that her co-workers look at the regular teachers in the school and say, "they are all wearing masks".
Last time we met she also told me that people can't get everything that they need from other people. I have never heard anyone say this before. What about love, companionship, friendship and family? She has lived more years than I, and she was very firm. No. I am going to re-enter society, and the tougher things get, the better I ought to know a non-human source to use to cope. So for the next five days before we meet again I am going to practice talking out loud to angels. I did it in the car two hours ago. I was really imagining all those wings in the car with me blocking my vision out all the windows. I think it is so funny that a schizophrenic is encouraged to talk to empty air! But I am not to believe that the air is really empty, no, a better reality that will serve me when I work and live among normal people again is to concider myself surrounded by friendly spirits.
Tonight when I arrived at my destination and got out of the car the angel's gave me everything that I had asked for.
Stand
4:51am thursday, 10th march
I used to talk to angels too. It was a rather lonesome conversation. But wasn't she talking about things like achievement, knowledge, etc. — non-human, but important things like that?
Strawberry
2:59pm thursday, 10th march
No way. Angels. Guides. Loved ones who have passed over. Are you not free to talk to Christ? I doubt that He who loves you so would not in some way speak back.
Apparently my paid for, normal average seeming friend talks to angels all the time. I asked her how they answer her. She said it was by imagry. Then she asked me, "Did your grandfather smoke a pipe?" No, he did not. Our conversation continued. Then she asked me, "What does the term Sherlock Holmes mean to you?" Can you see Stand, she was right then feeling in communication.
I searched my mind. I once owned the complete stories by Conan Doyle and had read them through at least twice. It was a long time ago. So surprised, and put on the spot, this is what came to my mind.
"Sherlock Holmes was insane. It was Watson who humanized him. Sherlock Holmes was a drug addict mostly because he was bored. He was so smart that he could not connect with other human beings. So either he pursued scientific inquery or he stayed doped up. When Watson arrived the criminal cases he involved Holmes with helped Holmes to connect with other human beings the only way that was possible for a mind like Holmes. Watson helped save Holmes."
Later when I arrived home I asked my fellow (who is also very well read) what the term "Sherlock Holmes" meant to him. I can assure you, his answer was very different from my own. He saw no sad or tragic figure, just a bright hero beyond compare.
It is a recent experience, but when I look back upon my answer to her I was prompted to say so much about my own life. I may not have quoted myself to the proper full extent here. And in posts I have not spoken about my demons, my experiences of isolation, or what purpose drove me to hire this woman, - except that I am preparing for a re-engagement with society which I fear will swamp me. What Stand, if I was planning to start my own website? Could I handle the needs and appetites of those who would write to me as well as you do? Do I have your empathy or restraint? And how much of your personality were you simply born with and how much of your personality has been shaped by prayer and the experiences of Christian fellowship?
I too am on a journy. My early experiences with schizophrenia included many mystical happenings. But the longer I live, the more I see the possibility of being both sane and a mystic.
When I was a child I was practically feral in my position against religion. My mother tells me that I happily told her one day, "Mom, I have decided that there is no God." And in private she thought "Oh no. You Strawberry are in for a world of pain."
My paid for friend is of course really a stranger. What are the odds, that from all the images possible in a mind, all the names from history and literature, she would pick Sherlock Holmes. Is she a genius who can unconciously size up my person and reflect back to me the essence of so much of who I am with the simple prompt of "What does the word Sherlock Holmes mean to you?" You should have seen the puzzeled look on her face when she asked this question.
I am certain that talking to angels is going to be rather lonesome conversation for me too. But I'm going to persist for a bit. I need help. Many days I drown just as desperately as Bart, as he wrote last month. He cried out to you Stand. What if I cried out to an angel?
Stand
4:13pm thursday, 10th march
There is no emoticon for what I am feeling (I think I may be stealing that line from the Simpsons...).
When I talked to angels, the angels talked back. I saw them in my mind's eye, and heard their voices in my head. It was still a lonesome conversation, because somewhere, I knew I wasn't talking to anyone; I believe that there are angels, just not that I was talking to them. I have also talked to Jesus Christ, and He talked back. Also a cartoon in my head, like the angels. And Him, I can imagine that He was talking back to me in some small way, because what the cartoon said made so much real sense. But no, I still don't think it was really Him, like when He talked to Paul on the road to Damascus.
If talking to angels helps you, do it. But realize that that's a step toward something that might not be where you want to go. The sane thing to do in those situations? Pray. That's the real method one uses to talk to larger voices, when one needs assistance.
How much of my personality was I born with? How much personality is anyone born with? It's debatable. And I have not had that much fellowship with other Christians. My faith has mostly been a solo endeavor.
I remember when I had to reengage with humanity, back in about 1995 or 6. After sitting in a room talking to the cartoons in my head for months. It was hard. I was bad at it to start. But it got easier.
I don't know, Strawberry... do you want advice from me? You seem a sort of very independent person. I wish not to be so preachy (as I have been known to be). And if you do create a website, and someone like you writing to me writes to you, maybe you'll be like I am right now. Hands shaking, hoping he's not pressing any wrong buttons... being human.
Strawberry
3:57am friday, 11th march
So, do independent people not like to listen to the opinions of others? Please don't write to me with any fear.
The term "reengage with humanity". I have been reading the archive January 2003 & February 2003. I don't understand the emotional chaos of Me?!. At first I thought maybe she was an alcholic and always posting drunk but I think I am mistaken and that she is just normal and healthy. I don't understand how she was able to connect socially so easily with anony and x (uncertain about psydonums)over music, drums, and dream catchers. I do not understand the hightened level of enthusiaism in all of their conversations. It feels to me that they are buring fearfully bright with emotion, it would actually hurt my brain to be physically present with Me?! because her ego strength would pose a threat to extinguish my own flow of thought. Schizophrenia has made me fragile that way. I think that I do understand why you said "email me" to the 15 year old student reader.
I have never heard or seen things that were not there. So it is not so much for me a choice between listening to cartoon movies in my head or talking to people. I know how to make people feel comfortable, worthwhile, happy and entertained. This is a skill. I just often get bored with using this skill. Not bored. I get stretched and stressed.
I know I have whimsy. For instance my heroes are Bishop Tutu because of the last book he wrote and Karl Largerfield because he is a good social critic as well as very creative. My dream is to one day own a dress by Channel, and a dress by Alexander McQueen. What Viktor and Rolf make can't easily be worn in public, but I would like one of their dresses too.
So this whimsy of mine is a happy fact and it makes me happy to dream about it. But I found all the conversation in the archives about music boring. I like music and I listen to music and I watch music videos on the internet. (No t.v.) But conversation about music is no way near as interesting as conversation about Lagerfield and McQueen - which people don't usually want to talk about.
It seems like the simple solution is, "Hey, loosen up Strawberry!" But then I would be a liar. Then I would be wearing a mask.
Another solution would be that I go find a chat room about fashion. If such a thing exists. But this solution would entail me ignoring a large segment of the population - a fine thing to do in private - but in a public work situation there are many people and situations that you can't simply walk away from and ignore.
I wonder if my personality and writing is fucking up your website because nobody is now posting much.
Stand
4:56am friday, 11th march
(Aah, comment number 7....)
Don't worry about messing up my site. Most people who visit here are lurkers. I bet they're fascinated.
tim
5:50pm friday, 11th march
Going way back...I thought your "friend" meant you can't depend on others for your happiness...YOU generate your own happiness. That is why people stay in abusive relationships...they think the other person(s) will make them happy.
?
Stand