Scents drift by, and memories ripple through me. There was once, years ago, when the sweet and sour smell of a children’s drink sent me back decades, back before I had ever set foot in the United States; that was when I had been exiled here, in Korea, when my madness still loomed. Too, there was a smell which I remembered, but puzzled me: I looked, and yes, when I was little, I used to snack on insects! Silkworm pupae, to be exact. A little salty, a little crunchy and roasted, they didn’t really taste that bad — but it didn’t mean I was going to scarf them down by the handful. And now that I am here again in Seoul, the streets are blowing with remembrances. Smells that in the past were indicative that I was in the Land of Morning Calm, musty dirty smells sometimes, petroleum smells of machines, sulfur smells from I don’t know where, and even (rarely) green smells of plants you can’t find out west.
Not so much, when I was back there, in the home of the free, the land of the brave, or whatever you want to call the empire of the United States. I wonder why. Maybe I need to spend more time away from there than a couple years; maybe after a decade of being foreign it will be enough time for the latency of aroma memory to be set for triggering. Or maybe they’re there, somewhere, awaiting just the right nexus of scent to bring me back to the streets of Philly, or the elementary school of the suburbs. It may even be that one day I will in my old age visit my old college, and one waft of the halls will bring me back to those years where I held so much potential, before I almost threw it all away. I wonder why it is the smells that bring back so much of the past. Perhaps, like a good memory, it isn’t there all the time, like seeing and hearing. Something different, yet familiar, like I imagine every dawn must be.
Anonymous
11:28pm friday, 1st april
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Bugs.
Strawberry
1:50am monday, 4th april
Anonymus- what happened to Mr. Refelection? It is better for you to have a name, like a superhero in a comic book. Names are good. I don't know why. But anything that helps you to feel that you do indeed exist in this world is important and good.
Stand, I'll be honest. Sometimes I'm so pissed that you feel so alive and write so beautifully about it. Green with envy. But I also love seeing someone who writes better than me. I love being bested.
What, Stand, was this great potential you had? I don't understand. I once had the potential to get a lot of educational degrees and make a lot of money like my father. I once had the potenital to be a parent. But it wasn't my fault my mind broke down and I failed to do all those things.
It wasn't your fault that you saw too much and had to self medicate. That is one interpretation of what you did. You weren't a bad boy doing drugs and wacking off. You were just ill prepared for your gifts. You met your potential and it burned you. What if you saw too much about this world and the people in it and you had to flee and escape because.....because no one gave you the skills to stand in that place between this world and the next. I believe you that you did. I believe that you still can. But unless you have the skills to be grounded in this place (and the essay on smells is very healthy and encouraging) you are in great danger to go to that other place. And while I can see how a high school teacher can introduce you to a tarot deck probably he did not take you on as a disciple in any religious tradition that would have had traditions to protect you from the reality that the tarot reflects. Time is not the same on the other side as it is here, that is why the tarot works. And there is much on the other side that has no mercy or compassion for us humans. Yeah, I think you were under attack from the word "buddha".(archives) Those who see more make better prey. You handled that particular situation really well.
I don't think that the hallucinogins put you in touch with another reality. I think that they scrambled your reception of that other reality.
I will speak for myself. I had no potential before I became schizophrenic. Grades in school, awards won, friends, boyfriend, - none of those things had to do with the war I now have discovered. Those who stand between this world and the next are drafted into the war between chaos and order. Before I became schizophrenic I was not strong enough to meet my potential. Now I am better. I am frightened, but at least I am learning what it is that is so frightening. Schizophrenia made me into a nobody, made me into the dirt of society. That was maybe the first lesson in how to stand between this world and the other.
deb
5:59am monday, 4th april
I have loved your sight from time to time I come hear and read, mostly when my illness focuses me too much on my pain, and I have exhausted my friends compassion, somehow reading your words are like someone hearing and knowing my pain.
Reflection
1:34am tuesday, 5th april
Sozan, a Chinese Zenmaster, was asked by a student: "What is the most valuable thing in the world?" The Master replied: "The head of a dead cat." "Why is the head of a dead cat the most valuable thing in the World?" inquired the student. Sozan replied: "Because no one can name its price."
Reflection
1:43am tuesday, 5th april
Strawberry, I have a question?What is wrong with being a nobody.I'm 100 percent sure there are people out there that will find much more peace of mind being nobodys, than being "somebody" and as I'm sure you know...............It comes down to peace of mind.
Strawberry
12:16pm thursday, 7th april
Reflection, you are 100 percent right. And cool Zenmaster quote, I had to think a bit about it. And then a bit more.
I'm working hard to overcome the lessons I was taught in my childhood. My father was a man with a lot of power, he transplanted organs; kidney, liver and pancreas. All his kids wanted to grow up and be like him - to be educated, respected, and earn lots of money. There was no spirituality or kindness in our household but there was a lot of depression, arguments, and fear. And oh yah, Dad liked to have sex with super skinny blond women - they got all the expensive gemstones at
Christmas while his daughters got tacky costum jewelry. There was no peace of mind in that house but I can tell you that all of our bodies were full of adrenelin. I became someone who liked drama, chaos, and pushing my mind to the limit.
Lord knows, if I hadn't become schizophrenic then I might have become a bit of a monster. My sister said that when I got sick and had to be hospitalized it was the first time she felt like she had a sister because when I was well she could never get close to me. But when I was weak then she could at least talk to me without being afraid. When I got sick for the first time in our lives I needed her, and she liked being able to try to help me. During the two years I was hospitalized I remember her bringing me long stemmed roses and her new boyfriend to meet. I requested a shirt from my brother and a pair of pants from my sister and for a long time those were the clothes I wore every day. I sure felt the love I have toward my siblings much better when I was living in the hospital than when I was living at home.
Reflection, I guess I'm scared to be a nobody. I'm scared of being mocked. I'm scared of not being respected or taken seriously. I'm scared that if I don't have something "special" then nobody will love me.
Reflection
6:30pm thursday, 7th april
Strawberry. I'm confused? You speak like a very intelligent person.
Anonymous
Reflection
Strawberry