I am usually good at giving messages of hope, here. I know I haven’t been doing it lately; I have been down. And lately, I have been feeling worse than I have in quite some time — but let’s see what I can pull out of my bag of tricks. Let’s see if I can find the hope, anyway. It is strange that I was feeling so good when I was alone, researching my computer science, and that it was just a matter of time when I would reach something of earth shattering importance. But when my brother came and visited me, he asked if I planned to be alone all of my life, and that rang a bell. So I have been trying to go out more, lately. I have been hanging out with a friend of my brother’s, and that’s where part of this depression comes from, that he’s been just blowing me off as of late. Yesterday he didn’t even call back — though that’s usually with an excuse why I shouldn’t come out anyway. That’s part of it. Another part is that I have been feeling so very alone, now that I have a basis for comparison. When I was by myself, with no such basis, I didn’t much think of things in those terms. But being a little less alone makes me feel it all the more.
The last part struck me yesterday, as part of a dream that spilled over into waking life. It was the Antichrist psychosis again, and I don’t know where it came from. Like my brain decided to kick me when I was down. I’m currently in its shadow, and the story goes that I was made into the Antichrist back in 1991 (here), and I am only allowed to be a good guy until the fateful day when Satan is to take over — that my soul has been sold, and it is only a matter of time before it is collected. That’s the gist, at any rate — the story is more complex than I care to get into. And so, strike three — I feel like crap. So, what am I going to do? The question, I find, is quite easy to answer: I am to go on with my life. There may be hurt in my heart, but there are things to do. Too long I have already postponed life just so I could sort things out. And they never did, really, get sorted by way of me sitting there and obsessing about them. That usually only made things worse. I know enough that the suffering will pass, because it always does, and good times have followed. Life goes on, whether I choose to join in it or not... and I choose yes. Simple.
Strawberry
1:25pm sunday, 12th june
I know, it hurts to be alone. And it's really difficult to find someone who is the right sort of friend.
I want to go see a movie in the theater tomorrow, but I'm going to go alone because I don't have any friends to invite. Last night at the lecture I talked to so many, many people and we all got along great. Lots of enthusiasim. But, I need a friend to go see a movie. Just to be lazy, eat popcorn, and talk about silly, ordinary things. A friend who drools a bit of soda on her shirt or spits out popcorn while she talks. Maybe we arrive at the theater before it opens, so we sit down on a curb in the parking lot and watch the cars drive by. I'd ask her, "Who would you rather be in life, Angelina Jolie, or Madonna?"
pink and yellow sky no blue
5:21pm sunday, 12th june
Probably sick of the suggestion, but it'd be nice if there were a column for others to post their visions, insights, poetry, madness. Great site, interesting read.
Stand
6:56pm sunday, 12th june
Schizophrenia.com has something like that — you can start your own blog there.
Reflection
9:16pm sunday, 12th june
I'll be honest. Never been to a movie on a date.33yrs old, is that insane or what.It was always get drunk, and party.
Reflection
9:16pm sunday, 12th june
Well almost 33yrs old.32
reflection
9:30pm sunday, 12th june
Strawberry,what kind of paints do you use.I used to use acrylics, but switched to oils,for brighter pictures.Although they are a pain in the ass.Do you use pastels?I tried to get into painting, but got too many other things goin on.Painting requires alot of time,and my nerves are'nt ready for it yet.
reflection
10:13pm sunday, 12th june
I choose to beat schizophrenia, without meds.I've won for about 8yrs.I feel sorry for God.Imagine that, a human feeling sorry for God.
Strawberry
3:30am monday, 13th june
I've never heard of a human feeling sorry for God.
Believe it or not, 32 or 33 years old is young. I've seen people find a new path in life, at that age and older, and become more than they ever dreamed they could be. It sounds all sweet and icky, but I like the Ophra Winfrey quote, "God can dream a bigger dream for you than you can dream for yourself." Three years ago my fellow had a nervous breakdown and went to live in a tent in the woods. At that time he had no hope. No hope and no idea of a future. What he has now, and the pride he has now in who he is, he says he could have never imagined any of it three years ago.
Reflection, to live with schizophrenia for 8yrs without meds, it's amazing. Don't you think, maybe, that someone on the other side is giving you help? Maybe not somebody BIG like God, maybe, just a little kind spirit wispering words of encouragement. I know what it feels like to ignore the wish to die, just, keep living with the pain and keep an iron grip on yourself so that you do nothing about that dark desire to die. If you can do what you have accomplished so far, than I know that you can go on a movie date. It can be in your future. If you want it. There is so much shyness and sweetness about a movie date. It is best to arrive early so you can just sit in a big empty theater and talk. If I was alone I would sometimes bring a newspaper or magazine to read. It is good for anyone to do quiet things alone. You can sit and feel sad, or, you can sit and think, "I'm a classy person and I'm treating myself to a movie that I really wanted to see."
Yup. Painting with oils can get boring. The drying time sucks. But nothing can beat their color. There are additives you can use, like a bit of liquin that will thin the oil but add gloss and quicken drying. Acrylics I have used, but they dry so quick that they blend horribly.
My favorite is craypas. They are oil pastels, never used the dry, chalky kind. Craypas you draw on and then blend with your fingertips. It's fantastic, in my opinion, to make art with your fingertips. (I also like to eat a lot of food with my fingers....I use a lot of napkins.) So you can go quick with craypas, go, draw, smear, draw, smear, draw, smear. Cheap craypas are waxy and hard but high quality craypas smear like butter.
Craypas color can be bright, they come in a wide variety. A cheap kid's pack has 50 small sticks of different colors. And Reflection, you don't have to worry about being "really into art". No way. Get an idea, sit down at a table with a blank piece of paper and your craypas box, draw for five, ten minutes, and you've just done your soul a bit of good. Of course, what I'm after right now, that requires a lot more time. But I'm helped along by becoming obsessed. I'm happiest when I'm obsessed by a picture. Have to see it done. Have to make what is in my imagination real.
Reflection, I respect your decision not to take medication. Medication fucks with my obsessed focus and I don't like that. But what doctors don't tell you is that medication doesn't have to be all or nothing, you just make it clear to a doc who exactly is in charge of your body and mind. The good doctors can give you all the power over your own life that your deserve. I started with just tiny doses. I was tired of the pain. First tried a little anti-depressant, liked it, and then tried a little anti-psychotic. And I found that just a little bit went a long way. I could still be me. Then after about five years I went too far in the other direction, I started taking too much medication in hopes of being normal or, I don't know what I was looking for. Success in the world by some definition that I no longer use. Now I'm back in the middle with medication, a little sick, a little well.
Reflection
4:43am monday, 13th june
Like I'm a Buddha once said. Why put a tiger in a cage, there is no reason for it.
Strawberry
9:01pm monday, 13th june
Got it.
Reflection
2:07am wednesday, 15th june
I'm really curious, why schizophrenics all acknowledge God.The Anti- Christ, Devils, Angels,Jesus.Why. My theory is this, it was all created by negative energy.
Reflection
2:09am wednesday, 15th june
Why not challenge God?If God was so peaceful and perfect , why even bother. Maybe God was bored?
Reflection
2:15am wednesday, 15th june
I myself, hear voices outside my head (let me clear that up)all about the whole religious horseshit, when all I want is peace.
Reflection
2:20am wednesday, 15th june
The whole Buddhist philosophy is to beat God at Gods own game.Any person who has reached nirvana knows this.
Webster
2:23am wednesday, 15th june
To strive for such basic needs like friendship and companionship that everyone else seems to procure so effortlessly can make you feel all the more alone. I too become easily lost in solitude.
All of you are lucky to have your talents. Art, music, computer genius, and a gift for writing may be some compensation to fill the void. I wonder through the ages, how much greatness was created in solitude.
On another note, I once read that thirty percent of schizophrenics are treatment resistant and do not respond to any medication. Medication in these individuals provides no relief; there are no benefits, just horrible side effects. So they still have all the mental problems as well as the problems the side effects create making them feel worse. New medications have been developed that have helped those previously treatment resistant; especially within the last eight years.
Reflection
2:36am wednesday, 15th june
If you want to achieve nirvana,just meditate constantly.With schizophrenia, for about 9 yrs.Its just like lifting weights, if you want results, you have to apply a negative. Ask any so called Buddha, and they will tell you the same thing.
reflection
2:44am wednesday, 15th june
It ain't no easy road.
Webster
2:09am thursday, 16th june
Reflection, I think religion is a common theme in schizophrenia because the person experiences bodily sensations and hallucination as imposed on them by an outside force by some extrodinary, superhuman, powerful means. What greater, more extrodinary, superhuman, powerful force is there than God? I think that is why there is such a fixation on God, angels and devils.
I don't think that I could achieve Nirvana or meditate constantly to attempt to gain contol of myself from a force that appears greater and more powerful than I am. I don't see how great stabilty or joy (Nirvana) can be derived from life when constantly meditating to escape this negative force. This cannot as you tell us be an easy road. Does it work?
Strawberry
3:51am thursday, 16th june
I think that schizophrenia opens a door to the Otherworld. Concepts like God, Buddaha, angels & the devil all come from the Otherworld. My dead Grandma had given me, through a psychic, messages for me and my siblings. My gaurdian angel gave me a message that refered back to something I wrote when I was 19 and first hospitalized. The idea that my written words could come out of the mouth of a mostly unknown person has no precident in logic or the laws of the seen physical universe.
Religion is a common theme in schizophrenia, not to be confused with, "religion is a symptom of a sickness". It is not fair that non-schizophrenic persons can have valid religious experiences while schizophrenic persons are viewed as having false or hallucianated religious experiences. I was once in a woman's church group and during one of our discussions a doctor and a daycare worker both confessed to having had a profound religious experience. The doctor would not go into much detail as to what she saw or heard - perhaps fearing to be mocked, but perhaps wishing to keep something so sacred private. If a schizophrenic's religious experience is upsetting or negative, well, frankly it just seems that the schizophrenic is lacking in psychic defenses to what is already out there. Yes, I beleive that a plethora of spiritual forces exist. In my experience a schizophrenic has a weak ego boundry. We have a hard time keeping the surface emotions of other's out, and our internal emotions contained. Why not extend the schizophrenic vulnerability, our preforated boundary, to the the spiritual world?
I have teaching dreams at night. They started about two years ago. They are not common. When they happen I learn something profound, something that can be directly applied to my life. They are given TO me, I receive, that is all. I do not beleive that my unconscious mind creates the dreams, I believe that my unconscious mind simply acts as a conduit during the process of communication. If I were to better train my mind, with a technique such as meditation, I may start receiving more teaching or guiding information during my waking moments. It is my choice to eat certain foods or discipline my mind in a way that better tunes my physical self to the Otherworld. My psychic friend has done a lot of work on her body and mind in order to hear better messages from the Otherworld. Frankly, I believe everything that Reflection says about meditation. Having tried it recently myself, I wish to also say that it is difficult, but enormusly beneficial.
Webster
4:06pm thursday, 16th june
I know that you are correct, Strawberry about the heightened connection with the "Other World." I have it too. I have been told often that my writing has a hard edge to it and does not reflect a softness, and sensitivity (like your's does). I do not want to offend anyone by implying that their religious experience is invalid because of a diagnosis.
I was responding to Reflection's post about "hearing voices about religious horseshit when all he wanted was peace", and using meditation to block them out "to beat God at his own game" because the voices are so disturbing and, give off "negative energy". You it appears, on the other hand find your experience with the "Other World" gratifying, (positive energy) and are using meditation to invite more of them in because of the positive impact on your life.
I never want to be quoted as believing that a strong connection with spirituality and religion is a symptom of an illness. That is cruel for everyone.
About two months ago in my state, a young man killed his mother by viciously stabbing her repeatedly because he heard voices from God telling him that she was plotting with the Devil to kill him so he killed her first. Several years ago a man came home from work, killed his wife and removed her heart and hung it on the flagpole in the back yard as God instructed him to do. God told him that her heart was possesed by the Devil and this was the only way he could free it. Is this what you mean about lacking the psychic defenses to what is already out there? These situations unfortunately invalidate all our religious experiences as "craziness" and give a fearful message to society. How sad for society to see us all this way.
I want to learn more about meditation because from this site I have learned the value it in regard to blocking out the negative and inviting in the positive. I will figure out how to begin. My life has been difficult too. I know from a difficult struggle that Nirvana does not come from sustance abuse. I think we are all looking to find our Nirvana.
kittie
7:11am monday, 27th june
This comment is for Stand, the creator of this site. Not for people chatting on his comment page. I have found that having a basis for comparison only makes things worse. I choose to make myself happy, and if what I choose doesn't fit the mold of what others think my life should be, then I choose not to care. If you are happy being alone, then by all means be alone. And although sometimes having friends can be fun, I have found great peace in lonliness. And I would have it no other way.
Strawberry
Stand