There is fire in my mind
that has never known the air out there.
It heats my soul
to the combustion point of my dreams,
and the kinetic energy of this fever in motion
burns away the chaff
of all my petty doubts.
I am as a torch in the darkness,
but in such a vast expanse
none can see its light:
shall I call it futile
the burning of the midnight flame,
or does my own feeling,
even a sole experience
vindicate the expense
of so much fire?
Nobody will ever know
how much I have churned inside,
how pyred my conceiving,
even as I write this,
for words are messengers that drop
nine tenths of the energy
they are meant to convey.
Or do you know, too,
what it means to turn into ash,
and as a phoenix
blaze as one’s true being?
As if I understand
that no one could ever understand,
of the fire that burns
that no mortal hand ever lit.
Poopie Head
1:23am friday, 22nd july
Search your feelings,you know it to be true, join the power of the dark side luke.
Stand
1:56am friday, 22nd july
That's actually pretty funny.
poopie head
2:16am friday, 22nd july
It was meant to be.
Strawberrly
3:01pm sunday, 24th july
Groan! What have I done? I am very sorry Reflection for calling you a poopie head. I was wacked. Emotionally regressed. It is what kids in kindergarden do when they get pissed, taunt with words like poopie head. But then again, if you misbehave, I'll do to you what I used to do to my little sister back when I was in kindergarden. I'll tell you that you pick your butt and then smell your fingers.
Webster Webster Webster Webster. I believe, and I know, exactly about what you write. I call "faking it" what I do with normals sometimes. A woman who has a form of autisim calls them "neurotypicals". The amount of energy it takes to chit chat in their vein is enormus! Several years ago on the Oprah Whinfry show Dr. Phil said that the number 1 driving force in social interactions is fear of rejection, and he was talking about normals!
I find that my oddness is very well tolorated in society. You would be surprised. My fellow just got a good job in our new town (a big relief) and we went to a fancy resturant overlooking a river to celibrate. We were seated outside and I looked over the edge to see how many people had dropped silverware into the water. Instead of siverware, I saw a school of big fish. Apparently the water in Vermont is very clear. Well, people started looking too. The situation got social. Then my fellow saw a disturbance out in the middle of the river. I told him it was a relative of the Loch Ness monster, the New England Monster. Then people looked and started talking that it must be a muskrat. My point is, it never occured to me to think about realitiy. I didn't care what the disturbance in the water really was, only what I might imagine it to be. And yes, I also wanted to drop silverware into the water but I restrained myself. My fellow however did try and fail completely to feed the fish with pieces of his pepperoni pizza. My remarks were odd, fey and twee, but people didn't care, they just steered the conversation back to things that they felt comfortable with; taking pictures of the fish, how surprised they were to see the fish, the population of muskrat, etc.
And several days ago we had a new neighbor in our apartment. She was talking about renovating an apartment that she owns and rents and then she got abstract. I couldn't follow the conversation, apparently there was sarcasm involved - you know, when someone says what they don't mean like they mean it. So, I asked a question to get me back on track. I said, "Do you mean that you are jealous of Martha Stewart?" My fellow pointed out later that it was insulting to a normal to imply that they would be jealous of a felon and a control freak. I know that it was not a realistic question. But happily it forced her to explain herself in simple terms starting with "No, I am not jealous of Martha Stewart. What I mean is......"
In the days that followed our neighbor talked to Mike a lot, and it became clear that she feels more comfortable with my fellow then me. Maybe she has a small crush. What can I do? I am just very happy that she is comfortable with one of us. If you can take it, usually the worst a neurotypical will do is ignor you. I've come to realize that being ignored isn't really a form of rejection - it can often be the silence of bewilderment. But bewildered, mystified, and tickled - many normals are happy to feel these things. True, some are not. They like to feel on safe ground. Honestly, I think my Dad is a little afraid of me because he doesn't know what to expect from me socially. He can't be certain of what will fall out of my mouth, and perhaps, reflect badly on him! But that is fear and insecurity that was present in the man before I was born.
How sweet that a co-worker wanted to date you! My friend (paranoid-schizophrenic) started to be celibate to get through college, and 15 years later she still celibate because she doesn't want to be made crazy by the strong emotions that accompany sex.
Is the guy who wanted a date nice? Do you find him attractive?
Reflection
9:01pm monday, 25th july
I Was A Fool.
Reflection
9:48pm monday, 25th july
I believe schizo, is the worst case scenario.Smoking crack, meth, etc, etc,is but a small glimse into the world of God.The Devil would not exist, because of God.Choose your heart!Its a no win situation, Unless you beat God
Reflection
9:50pm monday, 25th july
I'm not the devil, nor am I God.What a coward, both of them.
Reflection
9:52pm monday, 25th july
I am proof positive Stand and the rest of you will agree on the last statement.
Reflection
9:56pm monday, 25th july
It takes about 8 yrs constant meditation,to refute the Lie.(I used to get fucked outa my mind from God, and I wanted to prove God wrong.Hell on me and you, living in S. Africa, Middle East, etc etc.
Reflection
9:58pm monday, 25th july
God will try to play games, of course.Although the schizo mind is wise to these fallacies.
Reflection
10:01pm monday, 25th july
God will try to play games,but it shows the mentality of God.
Poopie Head
Stand