Strange noises in the night, even here, in the middle of somewhere... and I find I am found, no longer lost, and I wonder what that might mean. What do I do, now? Could it really be that it was easier, back then, when I was in desperation, praying that my heart no longer hurt, hurt with the pains of despair, with the anguish of he who has all but thrown life away? Christ picked me up from a very low place, but now I am finally beginning to feel secure in my faith — secure enough not to need to constantly beseech Him above to save me upon my dying. But back then, I had a plan, didn’t I? Step one: get myself saved. And now, now I find I didn’t think any further ahead than that. There are strange noises in the night, even here, in the middle of somewhere... and I momentarily flash back to the me who would have been so terrified of unknowns like this, who would need Christ so to calm his heart, for it could not be calmed in any way he knew how — and the desperate prayer of he who had become mentally unstable. But now, all I need do is wait a moment, and discern it is merely the neighbor, moving something around outside.
I never planned for success. In my youth, I had great dreams, but I neither believed I would succeed or fail, as I really had no idea of the taste of either. Then came the troubles, and I understood very deeply what it was for me to dwell in the latter, to fail, and fail, and fail. Jesus Christ then came and saved me not merely in some faraway “next world,” but in this one, too, though it was by no means a short process. So long did it take, that years after I gave my heart to him, it snuck up on me: I suddenly find myself whole, and I really did not see it coming. And so, I ask, what do I do? For I am no saint, and cannot do the more drastic of paths He laid out, to sell all I have, give it to the poor, and go and follow Him. And I wish not to go back to the desperation of the lost. Do I wait, to see a sign? Or is it merely corruption in me that wants to see something like that (for He said He would only show the sign of Jonah)? Perhaps there is no easy resolution to this question. Here, perhaps the sign of life itself: now I have reentered the great stream of being. Now I have enough to go my way, and make something of myself.
Normality to me is strange. But I imagine I’ll get used to it. My stab at this (life) is maybe just to follow the Golden Rule wherever I go, and see what I would have done unto me, and do so to others. Other than that, I imagine the Lord would have of me something of which I as yet know not. But maybe I am finally ready to do it.
reflection
11:42am tuesday, 26th july
You know You.
reflection
11:45am tuesday, 26th july
Eternity has no success.
Strawberry
11:30pm tuesday, 26th july
It's a pit I'm trying not to fall into. The pit of being and feeling nothing. No sense of humor, no kindness, no plans, no desires. It isn't normal. But I'm going to try hard not to be ashamed. Plod on. Write down in a journal how much I eat, work, and walk every day so that I can see on paper who I am. I'll force myself to be something by sticking to recording the exact time in minutes I take every day to do these things. Add up the minutes before I go to bed.
I can't feel love much. My back aches from lying in bed reading science fiction.
I think that schizophrenia is a disease of lies. My head lies to me. It says "do nothing and gather your strength". That is a lie.
The illness says "life is a an even plain of sand" but all I have to do is look out a window and I can see color.
I had a dream once about Hell. Hell was a communal bathroom where people stood in line waiting to use the toilets. There was no privacy. There was no water. So people sat to go and a tiny fan blew in each of their faces. We each switched on our electric fan to blow the smell away and to distract us. No water was available, just paper. Every person had to scrape their excrement into a drainage pipe with a piece of stiff paper. When I left the bathrooms outside there was a reflecting pool with a fountain pumping a tiny stream of water into the shallow basin. In my dream I said, "Hell is a lie. They tell you there is no water but there is water."
Schizophrenia tells you there is no life. No emotions. That you are empty. At least, it is in this way that the disease lies to me. I don't hear voices that lie to me. I am just made to feel that there is nothing of value in life. And that is a lie. A big lie that I can recognize clearly when I am well and not symptomatic.
Yeah, moving to a new town in a new State has tipped me over.
Reflection
10:41pm wednesday, 27th july
Hear Ye, Hear Ye, I call a group meeting. Strawberrys depressed again.
Strawberry
6:56am thursday, 28th july
Screw you Reflection.
Strawberry
7:26am thursday, 28th july
I'm upping my medication. I'm not depressed. I'm sick.
I don't want to ruin my life by saying or doing things that will ruin my relationship with Mike. That is my number one priority. And since I don't have medical insurance, I don't want to be hospitalized - which is just an expensive time where OTHER people up my meds.
It was Hubris not to better plan for a new social & medical support system.
So what. I'm appreciated when I'm happy, smart, entertaining, loving.....but not sick.
One night about six months ago I was too sick to post on H13 so I posted on the schizophrenia.com bullitain board. The next morning I found that my entry had been deleated.
Stand
8:16am thursday, 28th july
If one we should have learned by now: we have a tendency to survive.
Strawberry
4:18pm thursday, 28th july
Yes. Have to drink coffee this morning because I'm doped. But it is going to be a good day.
Reflection
7:30pm thursday, 28th july
Welcome to the club strawberry, I'm guessing my next nervous breakdown will be number 29 or so.(I thought you would have found that post funny) I guess not........And Stand, what does this purple emotion face mean?
Stand
11:50pm thursday, 28th july
The official name of the image is "embarrassment," but I think it could also mean surprise, or even awe.
Strawberry
3:07am friday, 29th july
I used a purple face because I was embarrased at losing my temper at Reflection. And I was embarrassed for simply being me.
jake
7:17pm monday, 10th april
you can make fart noises if you put straw in arm pit
jake
7:18pm monday, 10th april
you can make fart noises if you put straw in arm pit blow
reflection
Strawberry
Strawberry
Strawberry
Stand