I do not know the meanings of these words; what you are saying is beyond me. You are trying to warn me in some way, I know, but my ears are deaf to these pleas. Someone once told me that some people just have to learn the hard way, even when a simpler course lays itself out right before their feet — and maybe I am not always this difficult, but this time here, I must choose the danger. What shall I say back to you, who speaks wisdom, and I mention only the way of the fool? I understand you have only the best intentions in what road I should travel on, or at least I think I understand enough. Thank you, but no thank you. There are worse things than pain, I think — yes, that is my reasoning. Worse than to suffer is the regret that the day has passed when greatness or terror could have been yours, and you declined to know either: greatness to be, or terror to face. When life is only a lull of stifled chances.... I must do this. Comprehend that I really do have to.
Strawberry
12:21pm friday, 19th august
Umm. A bit worried about Stand. Have you returned to drugs, pornography or prostitutes? I agree that you need an out from suffering. So, you are contemplating doing something that is destructive but gives you temporary relief? I think that whatever it is, you Stand will survive it. Survive it and stop it. Why are you constantly measuring your acheivements? In order to let yourself acheive you MUST stop beating yourself up. Please ask God to help you let go of your ego. This is something I need to ask of Him too. Just take what God has given you and say thank you. There has to be a purpose to this life, and if my life has meaning, then I have to believe that I was given my illness for a reason. Schizophrenia for a reason. I have to believe this. Your schizoprhenic brain and my schizophrenic brain bring to our lives and the lives around us a trigger, a teaching, or a condition that is nessesary for the whole of humanity. We are not accidents. We are not less than, only, different from other people.
If people show distain for a schizophrenic then that is only a symptom of how tired and disillusioned they are with themselves. Sometimes I listen to the convoluted ranting of a normal and wonder, "How am I going to figure out what is really going on?" Swift topic changes, humor that isn't funny, contradictions - and under it all fear and despiration.
Reflection
12:37pm friday, 19th august
Stand, Welcome to club insanity.Strawberry don't get pissed off because I said that.
Reflection
12:41pm friday, 19th august
"Stand, have you returned to drugs , pornography , or prostitutes."Thats the funniest thing I've read in about 10 yrs.Born to be wild.
reflection
12:45pm friday, 19th august
Strawberry, you can try to figure it all out, or embrace it.
reflection
12:48pm friday, 19th august
Smile like you mean it.
Reflection
12:54pm friday, 19th august
Stand, the easy way is boring.Isn't it?
reflection
1:05pm friday, 19th august
Stand,after meditating constantly for yrs, and yrs.It has proven to me, that a man needs a woman.
Stand
1:38pm friday, 19th august
Not to worry, no drugs or prostitutes. Porn — I was never really able to quit that for any extended period of time, but it is quite the minor thing. You must understand that not all I write here is literally what is happening in my life. This is sort of a conjecture, a sort of dramatization; maybe not completely fiction, but by no means the gospel on my being. Thank you for your concern though.
reflection
4:14pm friday, 19th august
Stand,Thankyou for this website.This shit is too fuckin funny.
reflection
4:20pm friday, 19th august
"Drugs, pornography, and prostitutes" classic.Only you Strawberry ,could say something like that.
Strawberry
1:46am sunday, 21st august
As we speak, my guy Mike is making pornography on his computer. He uses a 3D program, Poser and Brice, to make naked people in realistic rooms. I bought a book on the psychology of S&M B&D to try to understand why men and women like pornography and alternative types of sex. Yeah, I'm going to marry a porn king.
Figure it out? Oh, you have no idea how hard I am trying. Today I mixed Benedryl, klonopin & wine. I have never been stoned before but I think I was. Am. See, I have a very, very bad case of poisen oak. My body is hot, itchy, and puffed. I saw a doctor, he said my case is severe. But I can't get the medication to ease my suffering, Prednezone, because there could be a psychiatric side effect to this drug. Just might. So they won't take any chances. I was graceful upon hearing this news and nodded my head that yes, I would rather be sane and in pain. Ha! As I have discovered, the combination of some simple common drugs can put my head in a nice place to ignore the itching. I promise though that I will stay at home and not drive.
Strawberry
1:57am sunday, 21st august
I have seen so many vaginas on a computer screen in my livingroom, you can't imagine. He likes to blow them up really big so that he can put in a lot of detail.
Marriage is hard. You have to ignor a lot about the other person.
Strawberry
2:05pm monday, 22nd august
No. What I mean is, marriage is hard because to make it work you have to embrace new things. Sometimes I am pissed that I live with another person who has a mind very different from my own. But sometimes I am so releaved. I don't want to be Queen of the Universe.
Reflection
6:55pm monday, 22nd august
Benedryl,Klonopin, and wine.Thats a new one.What happened to just some good ole smack.........(Just kidding). And Stand, what does the emotion face with the red mouth mean?Happy Vampire,Punched in the mouth, ?.....Getting your red wings?
Stand
12:14am tuesday, 23rd august
The red-mouthed face is officially "biggrin.gif", and I usually use it when I am providing some sort of information. I don't know why the mouth is red.
Strawberry
12:21am tuesday, 23rd august
Oh my God! Mike just told me what getting your red wings means.
I'm just not built for drugs. After that post I took my evening meds (i don't know if I took the right ones) and then I had a massive panic attack thinking I was going to die. See, I was ready to go to sleep but I was also going down this tunnel of consciousness, like drowning, and the pull was so strong I was afraid that I would pass out and never wake up again. And then a door in my mind opened and I remembered parts of my childhood! I mean, I remembered as if I were re-living it again. And my God, that kid, she was so alive. The funny thing is that as an adult, when I try to remember my past all I get are dead, tight, photograph images. It is like all I can remember is the plot and characters so my memory is just a flat storybook. The drug combination triggered direct memories of living inside a mind twenty-five years ago. I kept saying to Mike, (in addition to the terror that I was going to die) "I have been here before, I have been here before".
It is so sad. I don't have the simple, pure emotions that I used to. I don't have a lot. It could be the disease, or it could be being an adult. It is so sad that that kid grew up to be so empty.
Strawberry
Stand
Reflection