I know this may all be one grand illusion, but I prepare a place for her in my heart. I write poetry that I will show her, for to let her know that I knew I would meet her, that I knew missing someone before you ever have seen them meant something more than a casual fantasy. The thought of her, it sustains me through the daily pain of being without; the dream of her, it gives me the patience to endure the separation — from one whom I’ve never touched. And what if it is all wrong, that I am merely a fool who mistakes the shadows in my soul for higher purpose? I can go to despair and back, and she waits for me, at the dawn of five new worlds, for I can see this all as merely a test. What if I am wrong? Better that I believe, and live on the hope — journeys like this life are not often lit by such the luminosity that I experience. Even if it is merely a dream.
Strawberry
9:57pm friday, 7th april
Preparation for someone we have never met but beleive we will meet is not nuts. Last week I had a prophetic dream. About someone, a particular soul with a particular burdan, that I will meet. Sorry, can't say more about it than that. But I do beleive. Such dreams aren't common for me, they come only about once every two years. And they never ever came when I was actively psychotic or more consumed by the symptoms of my illness.
I try to stay respectful of God and the spiritual world. And while I beleive in fate, I beleive in free will also. How time and causality works makes my head spin, but I do believe that our minds, through communication with the other side of reality (prayer) can alter the future.
Reflection's dialogue with God is really funny. It is sincere! But not respectful. It is like Reflection is talking to a guy his own age and own build who is capable of every emotion, thought, and observation that he himself experiences.
I think that God would rather you show him endless anger than ignore him.
Hey Reflection, my Buddist friend doesn't eat pork or cow. Are you willing to forego hamburgers? Are you willing to chant at dawn?
My dog is staring at me and her eyes are glowing.
andy
11:43pm saturday, 8th april
Stumbled across your site tonight here in England and I love it. I too had a God- and -Devil -thinking -I'm- damned psychosis and I want to offer a message of hope. A few months ago I was able to come off Stelazine after 6 years and I'm fine, still with thoughts and questions that I remember from my psychotic years but fine. I'm now 32, I'm married, my wife is expecting a baby and I have a house and a good job (actually working in Mental Health), I go to church, I pray and peace is coming slowly. I love your poems- here's the words to a song I wrote.
The Beautiful Madness
A long time ago
I'm letting you know
'Cause I didn't know you then
The Beautiful Madness came
Brought love where there was pain
And left again
Slipping out across the rooves
Hear the distant sound it moves
Whispering softly now
Softly now
Softly
Take a look at the blue skies above you
See them smiling back with eyes of love
You only cry because you don't understand
But the Beautiful Madness can.....
It's gonna be a long hot summer
And when it's gone we'll look back and wonder
How nothing sees the heart of a man
Like the Beautiful Madness can
...The Beautiful Madness can
A long time ago
I'm letting you know
'Cause everyone needs a friend
The Beautiful Madness came
Like a warm summer rain
And we lived again
Fanning out across the sky
How can you stand here and deny
Whispering sofly now
Softly now
Softly
Take a look at the blue skies above you
See them smiling back with eyes of love
You only cry because you don't understand
But the beautiful madness can
It's gonna be a long hot summer
And when it's gone we'll look back and wonder
How nothing sees the way you and I am
Like the beautiful madness can
...The beautiful madness can
My band hasn't recorded this one yet, but if you would like to hear some of our music , all about my experience and my hope to bring faith in Jesus to an indifferent world check ot www.myspace.com/redshiftrocks - it's free to download and we'll be adding new tracks, British Summer Time, You Are an Angel and Happiness makes me Cry in a couple of weeks
God bless you, Andy
Reflection
12:40am monday, 10th april
Jesus is tired of all this madness, and definitely tired off all this stupid computer madness,(lets see who can beat the next person),and who in their fuckin right mind wants a child in 2006.(unless adoption).Stand, go figure the next computer program to get one up on the next person.You make me feel so pathetic.
Strawberry