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| april 2006 |
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| Unleash | 11:17pm saturday, 29th april |
It was in darkness where
I understood light. We so among
the brightness, we understand the littlest
what we take for granted,
in front of our very faces.
Camus was right, after all,
that we can only comprehend freedom
while imprisoned, grasp meaning
only when like Sisyphus
are subject to the pointlessness
of this absurd universe.
It was while I was among the evil
where the good shone in my eye;
I was blind, and now I see.
Why is it so far that we have to travel
to find home, finally?
It is all very tiring. Yet, perhaps
this is the mystery: why God said,
“Let there be light,” and took the trouble
to build a world, and life:
in the experience of doing,
we unleash the magic of work,
and it is a wondrous thing, where
the mathematics of promise
one must discover in contrast from
the nothing that we all tend towards,
to separate the light
from the darkness, and see
that it is good: these things
we must do ourselves, or the whole point
is lost, and one might just as well
have left it all empty, and perfect,
instead of living, stayed dead,
and never know for ourselves
what it can mean, to love.
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| Crazy | 12:01am tuesday, 18th april |
Things are hectic right now. I have decided that this will be the last entry for a little while, as I get set up in New York. I have to find a place to live, and before that, deal with packing and flying and taking a limousine bus to Philadelphia to visit my mom. So the next entry will take place from within the environs of the greatest city in the world. Who knows what this means, and what adventures are to come? It is just an adventure that I make these preliminary gestures into a new life. Wow. Life. It’s just incredible where these paths we walk will lead us to. In the words of a song I was just recently going over in my mind, coincidentally, “In a new york minute / Everything can change / In a new york minute / You can get out of the rain / In a new york minute”. Crazy, man. Crazy.
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| The Big Apple | 1:14am friday, 14th april |
There’s big news afoot in Standland. It seems that I’m bound for New York City in about a week and a half’s time, to be there for about 4 months. My company got a client there (whom I helped to land), so they’re sending me from my environs here in the Land of the Morning Calm to the city so nice they named it twice. I’m very excited. They’re putting up a sizable stipend for my living expenses, and if I work some extra hours, I’ll get a really large salary for them. The only problem with any of it, it would seem, was the look of disappointment in my father’s face since I’ve told him. This puts a rather large dent in the old Korean dating schedule, after all. At this current time, he’s trying to set me up with this chick who really dug me, whom I’ve already gone out with, in fact the last time he was in Seoul he tried to push her on me then, too. I guess you can’t win them all, whatever you do, eh?
In my life, it seems to me I keep breaking the old man’s heart. Again and again and again. This is what occurred to me today, when he asked if I’d go to lunch with him. I wasn’t hungry, so I turned him down. And I was laying there (I’m sorta trying to get over a cold), and I was thinking that it might not be that he’s much longer on this earth, and wouldn’t I regret any chance I’d had to spend with him? Whereupon, he came back inside the house, and I said I changed my mind, and we went and had lunch together. But man, he seems deflated. He’s been trying to get me married off with all his might, it would seem. He keeps wondering what’s wrong with the chicks that he likes, who have good parents and seem as if they’d make good child producing vessels? And I feel bad, really. It seems I can never do right by them, the elders, whatever I accomplish. My thinking is so different from theirs, the distance between us seems so unbridgeable. One day, though… one day….
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| Beyond | 1:46pm monday, 10th april |
In perpetuity this world of seeming presses forth,
in longing for perfection that never comes, we do what we can,
our eyes to open anew one day, and to see beyond time.
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| Luminosity | 4:12am thursday, 6th april |
I know this may all be one grand illusion, but I prepare a place for her in my heart. I write poetry that I will show her, for to let her know that I knew I would meet her, that I knew missing someone before you ever have seen them meant something more than a casual fantasy. The thought of her, it sustains me through the daily pain of being without; the dream of her, it gives me the patience to endure the separation — from one whom I’ve never touched. And what if it is all wrong, that I am merely a fool who mistakes the shadows in my soul for higher purpose? I can go to despair and back, and she waits for me, at the dawn of five new worlds, for I can see this all as merely a test. What if I am wrong? Better that I believe, and live on the hope — journeys like this life are not often lit by such the luminosity that I experience. Even if it is merely a dream.
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| Something | 5:44am sunday, 2nd april |
Battling demons,
you went and lonely
scoured the barren lands
for the scraps of reason
you knew were there, somehow.
Or was that another life?
As if forgetting my forgetting,
images play into view,
of skies, brimming vaults
of golden light, or stars,
airs impossibly cleansing;
of mountains, distant,
that speak of valiant hopes;
of love that never forgot.
Where have I been,
I ask myself, that I could have
traveled so far, both away
and into myself? …I thought
I saw you, in the corner of my eye,
like you wanted to go
straight into the next world,
and put this all behind you,
but you stayed, here
where the winter snow
strayed down from the heavens
as if it had no home, here
where the meaning
ultimately lay, here
where you won… something.
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