± H13.com - Archives - March 2005
march 2005

Hello8:38am monday, 28th march
There is nothing outside, though I have often thought
otherwise, that another existence peeked through,
every now and again, and I had glimpsed an extraordinary
nexus between worlds, or between this world and the next,
or between what is seen and what is unseen. But finally,
I understood that what is hidden stays hidden, and
only what you and me agree is there is there. Alone,
I have stood as a juggernaut serving as a conduit between
astral planes, but the immensity of me was not so much
when someone just sat down with me, and said hello.

» comment on this entryread comments, (5) so far.

Phases10:58am thursday, 24th march
I spent my twenties, I recall, insane and finishing college. Not that the two have anything to do with one another, but you may draw your own conclusions. After that, there had been such a lack of my having done anything substantial with my life, I felt this desperate need to produce — somehow, it did not register that actually graduating college was any sort of accomplishment. But it was a good thing, I think; before the madness, I had spent 5 years getting stoned and whacking off; better that I saw less of my achievements than think grandly of little ones few and far between. And that lasted about 6 years, maybe 7.... And now — I have something like peace. A pace. Patience. I will get done what I will get done, and perhaps it will be something great. I don’t know what causes such a transition, from desperation to acceptance; perhaps it was God remembering a prayer from long ago, which I myself have forgotten, when I must have wished for repose I had never believed could be mine. “Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed.”
» comment on this entryread comments, (2) so far.

Flickers5:10am sunday, 20th march
There is fire in this every moment, to ignite you;
some, however, are consumed by the instantaneous flickers:
we are lost to the passion that goes furiously nowhere.

» comment on this entryread comments, (5) so far.

Footnote12:24pm wednesday, 16th march
I remember thinking, way back as a senior in high school, what I wanted out of life. I am a bit amazed by my humility at that time, for I believed that my greatest achievement would be as a footnote in some student’s research paper sometime after I were dead and gone. This was well before my madness, of course. Then I remember in college, as I was really drugging it up, that my aspirations climbed the stratosphere — I wanted to be the savior of all the world, and nothing less — and then in my madness, to possess powers beyond reckoning, to bring about EUTOPIA for all the universe.

When I was recovering from beyond the edge, my desire became simply to be normal again. Nothing fancy. Just to do better than be continuously hanging on by a thread. And then, since having recovered (more or less), I have thought briefly at times that I would create something revolutionary, become something like the next Einstein; and now... and now, it seems I my desire has come full circle. I don’t think I want that kind of cataclysmic fame. Perhaps I knew, way back then, what was the best for me: remembered, useful, a footnote in history that makes some sort of point somewhere....

» comment on this entryread comments, (10) so far.

Hopeless Hope11:29am saturday, 12th march
What it is that breathes
upon the embers in my heart?
Can it burn like it once did,
those years ago, when
I was glad to stand in the pouring rain
just so I could get a glimpse
of her? And who was she?
There have been a few who were
the only one, and how I
wrote poetry of the ways I loved,
and about the unrequited that I was.
Some of their names
still send me floating into daydream,
even these years later,
when I have seen nothing of them
in so very long. How close
I have been to giving up, too, that I should
settle on the next one
who gives me the time of day,
but every time, like this time,
Cupid sends wafting my way
the scent of true love, a hint
that I should yet believe.
I have said it more than once, that I will not
be taken merely by the
wearing down of the years,
but how persistent is time, and I have
felt as if my stony defenses
were eroded away, and again.
But today, I think I can
put it poetically: I looked up
and God winked at me.
Hope. There is always hope.
Even being how truly hopeless I am.

» comment on this entryread comments, (9) so far.

Journeying11:37am tuesday, 8th march
So, no. I have not achieved that “great thing” I had thought I was close to reaching. But I find I am not disappointed; I am rather more relieved than anything else. And really, when I had felt myself on such a brink, I was scared, plain and simple. It is that now, I find myself really enjoying the journey there, because I understand a little of what it might mean were I to reach some grand goal. I am still young enough to be like this (or perhaps it never goes away) that I am happier with the less of responsibility. I would rather be of lighter consequence. I delight that I cannot move heaven and earth, that thunder does not follow my steps. Because it would be real this time, not some delusion of grandeur: that terrified me. Oh, it still may happen some time in the future, but I am quite content to leave it in that nebulous space. This journey is quite the trip, indeed, worth the price of admission by itself.
» comment on this entryread comments, (8) so far.

Numbers1:08pm friday, 4th march
These numbers, any of the numbers that pop up during the day — they still have energy to them. Not quite as much power as they once did, back in the heyday of my madness, but I find myself still uncomfortable when the odd “666” comes up. And too, “777” is an omen of beneficence, no matter what else is happening around me. I know, and have ever known, very little of numerology, but that did not stop me from making my own meanings to numbers back when — 1991, I’m pretty sure it was, right when I had just snapped. I went from 0 to 11, and I don’t remember what all of them were, but some I still keep around in my head, still ascribe some meager meaning when they appear: 1 for God, 3 for love, 8 for infinity, 9 for reality. And then there are other ones I have since picked up: 4 for death (it’s an Asian form of 13), 18 for life (based, I believe, on Kabbalah), 26 for the name of God (again, Kabbalah), 62 for the apocalypse (not quite sure how that one happened — or should I say, long story), 11 for (variously) the two witnesses of the apocalypse or to the nth degree or luck (a second “7”), and 33 for freedom or victory or "great things" (from the age of our Lord when resurrected).

Then, there’s 15. That has an interesting history, of having gone from a sign of woe to a sigil of weal. When I was 17, 18 or so, I read Tarot. I was taught by a really cool teacher I had in high school. So, anyway, 15 of the major arcana is the card of the Devil. So, during my original, peak madness, 15 I associated with that card, so, it was a bad thing. Then, a few years ago, I discovered that 15 had a quite different meaning in (again) Kabbalah. It’s another number for God, from the shortened “Yah” instead of the full “Yahweh” (which is 26, above). So, I began associating 15 with “Yah”, and I turned it around. That number is now a good thing. But anyway, let’s just say that the numbers still “glow” to me. I would rather they not, that they be as they once did, 6 not be bad, 7 not heavenly. But you take the good with the bad. It’s not so terrible. You will, however, notice that of all these entries, almost none end with a timestamp that ends in 6. Yep. That’s on purpose.

» comment on this entryread comments, (6) so far.

^ Top of Page

Steal Me:

august 2001
september 2001
october 2001
november 2001
december 2001
january 2002
february 2002
march 2002
april 2002
may 2002
june 2002
july 2002
august 2002
september 2002
october 2002
november 2002
december 2002
january 2003
february 2003
march 2003
april 2003
may 2003
june 2003
july 2003
august 2003
september 2003
october 2003
november 2003
december 2003
january 2004
february 2004
march 2004
april 2004
may 2004
june 2004
july 2004
september 2004
october 2004
november 2004
december 2004
january 2005
february 2005
march 2005
april 2005
may 2005
june 2005
july 2005
august 2005
september 2005
october 2005
november 2005
december 2005
january 2006
february 2006
march 2006
april 2006
may 2006
june 2006
july 2006
august 2006
september 2006
october 2006
november 2006
december 2006
january 2007
february 2007
march 2007
april 2007
may 2007
june 2007
july 2007
august 2007
september 2007
october 2007
december 2007
january 2008
february 2008
march 2008
april 2008
july 2008
august 2008
september 2008
october 2008
december 2008
january 2009
february 2009
march 2009
april 2009
may 2009
june 2009
august 2009
september 2009
october 2009
november 2009
december 2009
january 2010
february 2010
march 2010
may 2010
june 2010
july 2010
august 2010
september 2010
october 2010
january 2011
february 2011
march 2011
may 2011
june 2011
july 2011
august 2011
october 2011
november 2011
december 2011
january 2012
february 2012
march 2012
june 2012
july 2012
august 2012
september 2012
october 2012
november 2012
december 2012
january 2013
february 2013
march 2013
april 2013
may 2013
june 2013
july 2013
august 2013
september 2013
october 2013
january 2014
february 2014
march 2014
april 2014
may 2014
june 2014
july 2014
august 2014
september 2014
october 2014
november 2014
december 2014
january 2015
february 2015
march 2015
april 2015
may 2015
june 2015
july 2015
august 2015
september 2015
october 2015
november 2015
december 2015
january 2016
february 2016
march 2016
april 2016

© 2001-2012 H13.com. All Rights Reserved.