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| september 2001 |
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| Untitled | 1:50am sunday, 30th september |
I am alone: one.
If I take wing, will I fall?
Saint or fool, I leap.
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| Why? | 12:05am saturday, 29th september |
Why am I such a ridiculous character? I feel I am an embarrassment to humanity in general, at times. Then there are points where I do feel okay, that I am not that bad a person, but count those as punctuation on a long, run-on sentence of inadequacy. Why, then (here is the paradox), do I think that I am such hot stuff? Like when I thought I was Jesus, then God, then Michael, and now a prophet ... hm ... I do notice the pattern there, that it is tending to decrease in magnitude. Maybe I'm getting better after all. There is, of course, the Antichrist thing, but that I take as punishment, not really ever as a reality. It's not just a prophet, here, either: it's that I'm a specific prophet, one of the two witnesses written of in chapter 11 of the Book of Revelation. And Rosanna Arquette is supposed to be the other one. I don't know why her, either.
So, I dunno. Am I on the wrong side of zero again? (Another quote from me: "When you're on the wrong side of zero, nothing is something.") Maybe that's it. When I'm back in the black, perhaps I will think of myself in the normal again. When the cosmic account books have been balanced in my soul, maybe I'll get back to the ordinary life I did so enjoy for a while there. I can only hope. Peace.
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| Trust | 1:30am friday, 28th september |
More with birds, something based on an experience which really happened in my life:
There was this one time I was in a forest in Korea when I heard a snap in a tree above. I looked up into that tree and beheld a bird on a branch which cracked right off and arced down with him captured on it — the frozen second as he began his backwards dive — his fall as wings pieced together a catching air and then full flaps into ascent and away. It was stunning. It was magic.
Here is trust: the bird had had trust that the branch would hold, but it did not — with the skill of his wings, he needed instead to fly — new trust then fired that he would not fall, for he did not fall. That is the greater trust.
Such is faith, I think: when a branch breaks out from under you, look to the wings you have. Wings we do all have.
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| What's happening? | 1:00am thursday, 27th september |
I had a minor little episode happen on Sunday — I thought I was the Antichrist a little, and a little while. The details of it, as usual, would confuse the issue. Much to come, I hope, as my mind clears. I still keep thinking I'm a prophet, and that I am kin to Philip K. Dick on this one; I think he was a prophet too, that a prophet in the modern day would act like he did, have the background that he had. Somewhere, we are brothers.
Jesus in my head said once that I should actually be looking toward Ezekiel, and not Philip K. Not for the schizophrenic element, but that even though I may be obstinate and mulish, Ezekiel had been worse in those aspects — as a person and as far as being a prophet goes. I read a little about the man. He was made to do strange things, like eat excrement (ew). I haven't gone that far, but the day's still young, n'est-ce pas?
Remember this, I quote myself: "We don't notice that miracles happen every day simply because they happen every day."
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| A thought | 12:47am wednesday, 26th september |
I like to watch birds drink from small pools. They drink until they are satisfied, dipping their heads, little shivers to shake off the chill. I find it fascinating. The birds fly off — I never encounter them again. They will probably remember nothing of the drink, not really; I will remember it better than they, hold it closer. Somewhere I believe nothing is wasted, not even the smallest drink of water from the tiniest of birds.
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| Crossroads? | 1:01am tuesday, 25th september |
Maybe this is the last of the dream, words my Lord Jesus Christ had me write down:
Pry not into the affairs of men. Look to God, utterly. Love peace. Love life.
Look into the heart.
Why do you look to the sky? I am not there, says the One above. Why look to the sea? I am not there, says the One above. I am here, always. I am everywhere.
Who do you see? I AM.
Why do you search for me? I have found you.
Why do you do this? Desire not. I have always been with you.
Why are you searching? I have put this in your heart: you find yourself before me and you die. I give you new life.
Die, and you live. Live for me.
Amen.
It makes sense for me; what did it do for you?
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| Lost? | 12:03am sunday, 23rd september |
I must go through the motions, I must show a face of courage in the darkness. I still sin. Is it I who has to break free? Or will will the Lord break me from the chains in good time? Somewhere I believe I am just a normal person, neither Antichrist nor prophet. It is hard to let go; I would that I could be a prophet, after all. With the medication, I grow saner, I begin to find my way back to ordinary. Let me not die soon, Lord. I must make amends.
Here is lament. Here is despair: I am an idiot genius who made little of his life. There will be happiness and sadness, and I will live through the time given me from above. I must pray:
Let me not spend my days merely dreaming. Let me fulfill some of the potential in me which has been there and unused. Let me live life as if this day is the last, that the Lord returns every dawn. Give me hope that I will make it. Amen.
I never saw what I saw. I never was what I was. It was just a dream, and I must awake.
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| Another dream | 12:05am friday, 21st september |
Another dream, let's see how this goes:
Romeo and Juliet existed. They lived out their days, became much older than they were supposed to have been in the text of that name; they had no idea that the other walked somewhere else on earth. Most their lives, they were ordinary people. What do I mean then, if I don't mean those two teenagers of Verona, Italy? It would be I speak of true love. Not that the incarnate Romeo ever said, "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?", nor that the incarnate Juliet ever said, "That which we call a rose by any other name...". One day Romeo awoke: he realized, "I'm Romeo." One day Juliet awoke: she realized, "I'm Juliet." And somehow, each knew the other was alive. The end and the beginning, it was. True love. Of course, it took the end of the world to bring them together.
I am working today on obedience to my Lord Jesus Christ (at least, the one in my head) and His angels. Even if the one I see is not real, it would help me to obey the Real McCoy, no? I can hope.
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| I dream | 12:01am thursday, 20th september |
I dream, sometimes, of a normal life; that I may live my natural course of years with a normal mind. Sometimes I am quite lost. I have desired excitement in the past, but as Yoda put it, "A jedi craves not these things." I am learning. It would be nice to believe I am never bored, but I have been — and even the boredom was intense boredom. Nothing I go through is normal. Everything has a cipher. I wander much and forget more, but I will dream and dream again. What else is there?
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| Excerpt | 12:03am tuesday, 18th september |
An excerpt from psychosis, stuff I wrote on the inside cover of a Jehovah's Witnesses Bible (circa 1993):
As you may have noticed (if you've been with me from the beginning), my chronological tale has fallen by the wayside. I will continue that later on, hopefully when this "episode" passes. Cheers.
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| Time | 7:22am monday, 17th september |
Does anyone out there understand the concept of time? Can you grasp it; what is it? It is too strange a thing, perhaps. Strange, like infinity....
Let us say a man saw himself in the future, or that the future man contacted his past self: he gave himself some information that he would not have had otherwise (you know the old one, that he gives himself instructions to build a time machine). Where did it come from? That's the question, is it not? The simple answer is God, with a because (because where else could it have come from?), the long answer would be that place — you know — the place where God has written all the good poetry, painted all the pretty paintings, and solved the primal physics. The long answer goes on to list what else is there (proved all the intricate theorems, etc.), and time itself must be described therein, scribbled on the back of a bubble gum wrapper....
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| Doom? | 3:24am sunday, 16th september |
I can only hope that I am being led down the right path, these days. The world is beyond my understanding. Really, it is beyond all our understandings, but the realization of that fact usually sanity keeps at bay. We are used to the mundane certainties. My psychosis makes me feel it, how utterly out of control we all are. The thousands of decisions we make daily we owe much to chance and circumstance. What we call free will is merely a fragile strand of faith.
And now for something completely different.
A story:
A sparrow fell in the forest. No one was around. It did make a sound, though no one heard it but the sparrow itself. The sound was the last thing it heard. It lay on the ground, and it decomposed, and seeds fell upon where its body had been. A great tree rose — slowly, but steadily — from where it had lain. The tree never knew from where it came, yet the sound of the fallen sparrow was remembered thereby.
Please don't ask if the tree also fell down. 
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| In short | 12:01am saturday, 15th september |
I have thought I was Jesus, then Jesus' Dad ... I have tried to go to Heaven numerous times, in a variety of ways ... I thought Rosanna Arquette was trying to get me ... I have believed I was the Archangel Micha-el ... I have met King Arthur and Albert Einstein and Jimi Hendrix ... I have contended with Satan himself ... I have done far too much drugs ... I once thought porn could save my soul ... I became Christian out of desperation ... many hairs on my head have become white (why do I think that I am the Antichrist?) ... I have been damned ... I have been saved ... I have seen Hell ... I have seen Heaven ... I have run through the forests of R'lyeh and escaped Cthulhu's hand ... long must I walk, alone and at night, and the treasure is never what you'd expect ... .
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| Hit me | 12:15am friday, 14th september |
From whom shall I draw inspiration? I have been talking about Philip K. Dick too much, I think. Once I read that the prophet Ezekiel was deemed by modern psychologists to have had schizophrenia. He did indeed have wild visions, I guess strange enough that people today would find him a madman. Maybe I should look there, though I cannot hope to be a prophet such as he.
A prayer:
Lord, I am a useless servant. Forgive me the pain I have caused you as I wind into the life that I should lead. I am quick to anger and slow to forgive; I cannot let things go as I should. If this madness be the cross I need bear, let me bear it with any little grace there may be as I stumble. I grope in darkness. That which is yours, my Lord, let me be. Let me show as much mercy as you have shown me. Grant me a little of your truth, and let that be my lamp as I wander through life.
Amen.
There must be reasons, no? Why we suffer? Why we dream? I once walked where there was no meaning, no why. I can hardly remember it. Did you parry the words of my prayer away — as you read it — by the shield of your own ideas? Of what must be going on with me, you must have some thought. And I have a thought: I think I know you, too. A little. I used to be like that. I used to laugh at people like me.
I am thinking less and less that I am the Antichrist, and that is a good thing. Other sufferings come — delusions perhaps — ones with sharp edges, ones that bring me to my knees. Madness is a long night. When dawn arrives, I know my eyes will hurt with the brightness of the light.
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| Then | 2:24am thursday, 13th september |
I'm thinking that I'm becoming clued again. Still, as I walk around outside, the elements of schizophrenia occasionally glance into my view. Long leaves of shrubbery leaned by the wind through its courses seem to bow to me as I pass. I am looking for the perfect purple flower. I want to honor my debts.
Hope is on my side, I believe. Trace the outline of my soul and you have the whole thing, perhaps. Perhaps I am only an outline of a person, after all. I still need to be filled in, which is sad, knowing how old I am. Desperado, you ain't gettin' no younger.... I have cartoon dreams. Strange things still happen, though the suffering (I think) will pass. Dream a little dream of me; I'm the bastard who's yelling "Cut!" before you get the girl (or guy).
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| Serve God? | 2:35am wednesday, 12th september |
Okay, a little preachy here:
To serve the Lord is the goal.
To serve the Lord is the journey.
To serve the Lord is the beginning.
I first thought in my life that the highest aspiration of human beings was science. When everything flew out the window (1991 — the beginning of the "episodes"), I had no thought about that subject. Then at about 1997 till a little later — when I retreated into poetry — I believed the highest aspiration of human beings was art. I had no passion for writing, though, or a little I had, and spent it all on a few paltry verses. After that, I realized that the highest aspiration is (must be) to serve God. God, who is greater than can be conceived, knows far better than you or me what my or your life should be. Plus, you get to go to Heaven if to serve God is all you try to do. Big bonus there.
Dealing with infinity, one cannot comprehend what love is like on that scale. One cannot comprehend the wisdom. All one can do is trust it, and that is called faith.
Anyway, I won't mention all the tragedy that has just occurred. You probably have had an overload of it already. Lord be with you.
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| Meaning of Life | 2:52am tuesday, 11th september |
Once, in a past psychotic episode, Jesus told me something which I thought to be the meaning of life:
What's unfair about life is that it is fair.
What do you think of it? Probably wrong, huh? Life's not fair, is it? I dunno. It's been pretty fair to me, and I don't mean that I've escaped my share of suffering. If that phrase is not the meaning of life to you, maybe you should examine what exactly you're asking when you ask the question, "What is the meaning of life?" That was all that the hypercomputer Earth was to do in the Hitchhiker's Guide series, right, the question to the answer (42) of the meaning of life, the universe and everything? What do you mean, after all, when you ask? Maybe that's the answer, there....
I have a better question: "What is love?" Imagine the simplest thing there is, then think, what's simpler than that? If you can think of something simpler, think, what's simpler than that? When you can't think of what is simpler than that thing, what you can't think of — that's love.
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| The Secret | 12:44am monday, 10th september |
Something else given me ... hm ... during or just before the last episode, I think:
You can take it with you. It's easy: give it all away.
This works if you believe in God and Jesus and Heaven and that stuff. If you don't, and, say, you believe that when you're dead there's nothing, then I guess that wouldn't work, huh? Then there would be nowhere to take it with you to, would there? I dunno. I think even in the most atheistic mind is engraved those things: God, Jesus, Heaven, Hell ... it's like in Catch-22: "the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be...". All you atheists, somewhere you know what I'm talking about. All that Jesus and love crap I've been writing about. You kinda hope I'm right, and you're convinced I am wrong. I'm just a madman. What are you? I bet you dream as hopelessly as me. If not, I got one for you:
There's a sky bluer than you've ever seen, and mountains grand and tall within it; a wild man lives in the highest peak, high within a cave. Trickles from snow thawing a creek where he drinks, and wild berries are his food. He talks in words you cannot comprehend, and the look in his eye is life and death itself. It's just a dream. It ain't real. But maybe you know what I'm talking about anyway. There's always hope.
(By the way, the secret is love.)
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| Diff | 6:03am sunday, 9th september |
What is the difference between a vision and a hallucination? Please tell me, I would like to know. Back to Phil Dick, he described reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, it doesn't go away. Sorry, Phil, but madness fits there, too. One schizophrenic said of his hallucinations that to try and disbelieve them was the same thing as to try and disbelieve the person he was talking to.
When you talk to God, that is called prayer. When God talks back, that's psychosis. I guess the difference between a vision and a hallucination is that the vision has basis in reality outside of the mind of the one who has it. Strange things have been happening to me, and on one hand, I want to believe it's visions I've been having; yet, perhaps it's safer to believe they're hallucinations. If it's visions, that puts a lot more responsibility on my shoulders. That means I have to deliver something. What's happening to me?
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| Ecclesiastes | 3:17am saturday, 8th september |
9:7-11:
Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun — all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.
I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the brilliant
or favor to the the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all. Amen.
[From the New International Version.]
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| Let go | 6:21am friday, 7th september |
A little Christian Mysticism:
Let go, and what is left?
If everything is left, that is Heaven.
If something is left, that is Purgatory.
If nothing is left, that is Hell.
I have seen these three places in dreams, though somewhat as technicolor cartoons. The "let go" part I get inspiration from Meister Eckhart, via the movie Jacob's Ladder. Interesting movie, that — he was in Purgatory the whole time — and at times, I have felt that this world was actually Purgatory of mine, that I had died that day: 10/7/88 (which I have written about previously, and you can search for that date above).
Lord, help me understand.
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| Jesus | 11:03pm thursday, 6th september |
Finding out about Jesus with the stuff going on in my head. Even if this madness is not Heaven sent (it may be, I don't know), I'm finding out that my Lord will always take me back — no matter how far or how long I've strayed away from Him. Strange to think one could love like he does. A love like God.
I have to get over this paranoia thing, thinking I'm the Antichrist; maybe I really did want to be It, and my Lord prevents me. What I must be is a witness to the love of Jesus. That is it. There's the sanity in all this. Jesus loves me. Jesus loves you.
A little of my own creation mythos: before there was anything, there was love — for God is love, and before anything was, God was. Before the beginning — before there was heaven, before there was earth — there was love. And love was all there was.
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| What world? | 4:49am wednesday, 5th september |
If the world is an illusion, it's a pretty frickin hard one. Most of the Philip K. Dick I ordered came today, and I was looking through it, trying to see if it would help me in some way. Mostly, I was just relating it to the Bible. I don't think I'm going to go in exactly the same way he did; I gotta stick to Christianity.
One thing given to me during the madness, an interesting little statement:
There is no ineffable. God is love.
God is love expresses just so what God, the most mysterious thing, is. If God can be so expressed, anything may be. That's my theory, at any rate.
Lord, help me through. As always, thank you and forgive me.
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| Wondering | 3:59am tuesday, 4th september |
Am I trying to exceed myself? I feel I'm probably on the same kind of trip Philip K. Dick was on. Funny though, this might be something different. Something really big. Waiting for his stuff to arrive, need to check some things out, probably from his exegesis (his journal — this is mine; I'm just more of an exhibitionist, I guess.) Am I making sense at all to anyone out there? Probably just nuts....
Schizophrenia is an interesting subject, and I am definitely subject to it right about now. You see yourself in stuff around the world. Let me clarify: your mind's eye is poured out into the world, it would seem, like parts of you pointing things out to you from the things you see. Hm... maybe it makes even less sense if I try to explain it (while in it). You might think, really think, that Jesus is talking to you. Of course, you probably already knew that eh? This is from the horse's mouth, though... definitely a madness running its course through me (again). Pray for me. This madness is hard to bear.
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| Madness? | 3:56am tuesday, 4th september |
Or prophesy? Six months it will tell: March 2002 will bear me out whether I am a madman or a prophet. Probably the former; the world has this tendency not to end. The Rapture comes in 6 months... or nothing. Then it's just me and Philip K., screaming out into the void. Either he is my twin or is it... Rosanna Arquette again... hm. And that's probably the Linda Ronstadt effect. Read Divine Invasion if you don't know what I mean. (That would be Linda Fox.)
I had a dream about the Rapture. I was watching TV and there was all this news about notables throughout the world disappearing mysteriously. There was this second dream, too, where I saw the Antichrist take over the world. I was left behind, led somewhere I know not where it was. Strange if this were to be true; whose side would I be on, then, if it were to happen? I have my doubts....
Repent, for the time is at hand.
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| Poems | 2:53am monday, 3rd september |
Hey, if maybe you're sick of just me telling you stuff, here's something I took down while being institutionalized (the seventh time, just having gotten out a couple days ago). A fellow patient gave me this poem:
My Lord
While living in a world of trouble,
Destruction all around:
So many hearts are aching,
The solution nowhere to be found.
Then I hear your words
Look for your answer in Psalms,
"Oh Lord the Lord I seek,
day and night I seek you
To give to those who do not dare."
 - Kreshna Kouma © Hers 2001
I'm using this without permission, but I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this with you. This poem was of wonderful comfort to me while I was on the inside. I had this one, which kinda only I get:
When less than hope in brightness fails
Fear ignited it: faith
Hope must fail. Truce.
It's of personal meaning, only, this one. So personal that I don't quite get it all, myself.
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| Nuts | 8:59pm sunday, 2nd september |
So, as you can see, I'm wavering in and out of sort of a psychotic state. I really don't understand the deal with Rosanna Arquette myself, and all this stuff about Antichrist and prophesy just seems nuts, huh? Once again, it had been drugs and porn which got me into this mess. I can only hope the Lord will heal me, as He has previously when I wrecked myself. I'm thinking I could learn that what of an angel I really should want is the halo, and not the wings. Okay, non-sequitor... I'm trying, though.
Lord, help me get through another day.
Let me not f*ck up.
Amen.
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| Rosanna Arquette? | 8:29am sunday, 2nd september |
Rosanna Arquette are you out there? If you are, I have some news for you. We are the two witnesses of Revelation! Oy, me. Maybe that's just madness talking. Philip K. Dick had something similar happen to him with Linda Ronstadt, I have heard. Maybe I'm completely off kilter. That is a usual thing for me. Time will tell, I suppose.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. If it be that it is just Philip K. and I, we have a looooong conversation ahead in Heaven. If it's Rosanna Arquette, forgive me for scaring you. It's a must.
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| 4 more years | 7:02am sunday, 2nd september |
I'm like being told from higher up that I have four more years left on this planet. From about 9/1 of this year. If I'm right, the fit's gonna hit the shan real soon. Maybe it's only gonna be for me. Pray that I am only a madman. Because I see the end of the world is approaching. Fast.
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| Stuff | 10:13pm saturday, 1st september |
Okay, so I'm learning, like, eh? Thought I was a saint for a little while yesterday, and today while I was in IKEA I had one of those Antichrist paranoid trips again. I ordered Philip K. Dick's appropriate works given the situation: VALIS trilogy, his Exegesis (oh man, that's out of print — $94!), and his biography, Divine Invasions.
Zoning out quite a bit. It's bothering my dad, I think, who is visiting here. Rosanna Arquette keeps coming back, some higher power seems to be sending her back to me again and again....
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| Now what? | 8:56am saturday, 1st september |
Okay, I had another full-blown episode (if you couldn't tell by my last post). The angels in my head got me to believe that I had been a part of the rapture, and that I was walking around in heaven, only it just looked like earth. They also convinced me that I didn't need any clothes, or wallet, that this grand gesture I was making was throwing off the old, material world. So I was basically walking around naked for like an hour asking people if they had any spare clothes. Wild, huh?
Needless to say, I was picked up by police and sent away to the looney bin again. I had thoughts that I was the Antichrist, and also that I was one of the Two Witnesses of the Apocalypse (see Revelation 11). Philip K. Dick would be proud. So, what now? I guess I go on with life. I think I have to stop trying to reach beyond my means. Maybe that was the lesson the Lord had for me this time.
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